I chickened out

I had every intention of talking to the partner I work for today about "the leave." Really, I did. It's become a thing now. It's taken on a shape of its own, it is causing me more upset than you can imagine. I was going to talk to him. I almost had the nerve. And then I lost it.

What is the worst they can say? No. I just keep thinking about what my friend said - what would you do if you could take fear out of it? Well, it's obvious then isn't it? How bad is it if they say no? All that will happen is that eventually I will have a mental break down and they will have to give me a medical leave. Either way, looks like I get a leave, whether they want to support me or not.

And would it impact my working relationship with these people if they say no? Only insofar as my resentment might propel me more quickly into a state of breakdown than would otherwise be the case.

What I need is to stop believing that I am being unreasonable by wanting time off now, after all this time. If I thought I deserved it I would go ask for it, but some part of me thinks I am being selfish and unfair to them by suddenly (is it really all that suddenly?) needing time off.

I'm giving myself until Wednesday. Here's the thing - I have two hurdles. There is the person I work for and the head of my group. Two different people with two different personalities and two different reactions. I figure I need the okay of the partner I work for before I go to the head of the group. The first level is the easy level. The partner I work for is the nicest most understanding person I've ever met. However, he is the one who will bear the brunt of my absence and that's why this is so hard. This is the easy level folks, and I'm chickening out.

By the way - I'm not recovering from last week very well.