Tired

I'm extremely tired. Unfortunately though, I may have passed the point of tired into that realm of beyond tired, you know, where you are so tired that you can't sleep. Cause I should be asleep right now. But I've had a rough week and I find it hard to come down off the stress of it, well, at all. I actually feel kind of like I could just sit here all night and work. Might not be a bad idea - I might have some hope of catching up.

I've had a lot of things that I wanted to blog about - like going to Michigan last weekend, but instead, I've been working from 8 a.m. until midnight every day. This is really out of the ordinary. I know I've said lately that I'm working more hours than normal - but this is really ridiculous. What happened is that Wednesday morning, after I had wandered in a little late, and was feeling pretty good about my work load considering we were set to go to Toronto on Thursday morning for our annual meeting...the head of the group showed up at my door and asked me if I could fix a project that had been messed up by two other lawyers - and could I fix it by Friday.

But of course I can. Well, no, I couldn't. But, I was going to make every effort. So we worked until midnight on Wednesday and then when I checked in with him Thursday before heading to the airport he asked me to stay behind in Chicago to work on it because it had to be done Friday. I asked him if I could keep a staff attorney to help me so we both stayed behind. There were reasons I wasn't looking forward to Toronto - like the fact that it's a drunk fest and not all that easy for me to sit through the dinners without drinking (okay, it's actually really hard) - but I had plans to meet up with a fellow blogger and I was really looking forward to it. I feel terrible that I had to cancel at the last minute. Plus, you know, my work load felt manageable for the first time in a while, until this project happened.

Anyway, for three days we have worked until midnight and the project isn't done. Not only is the project not done, but I am extremely far behind on all of my regular work. I'm so far behind that I don't know if it is possible to catch up. We are frequently behind - but it isn't because I'm behind. Normally I am on top of things and things are backed up on the partner's desk. I've been getting a new perspective lately - I feel the partner's pain. I've been delegating everything I possibly can to a staff attorney so now things are backed up on the partner's desk and on mine. I'm seriously far behind and I don't like this feeling.

I could work all weekend and barely get this project almost done and not even catch up. I really didn't want to work this weekend. But what can I do? I mean, even if I do work this weekend, I'm still screwed for next week - that's how far behind I am.

My sink is a mess, full of dishes - God knows why cause I'm not eating at home. The mail hasn't been opened, the laundry isn't done, the bills aren't paid, the bathroom is dirty and I've been eating every meal out, and well, eating like shit basically.

It's weeks like this that make me feel crazy for ever thinking that I don't deserve my pay check or don't work hard enough. It averages out I guess. I can't really remember how long it's been since it's been this busy - 6 weeks, only a month, I don't have any idea. I just know that I can't keep working like this for much longer without that break I've been talking about - that leave of absence that I haven't asked for.

I'm thinking now is the time to ask. We've had a lot of projects go very well lately and a lot of happy clients. I'm thinking that next week, after this project is done, and we all get over it a little (meaning me) - that will be the prime time to walk into his office and say, "yeah, so you know that project that I just pulled out of my ass? I'll be taking 6 weeks off. Thanks."

Life is too short to work this much. Yeah my job is great and all - but the thing is, if I am diagnosed with breast cancer again tomorrow - I'm sure as hell going to wish I had worked less over the past year and a half. I really really need a break. I really feel like I'm hitting a breaking point. A day off here and there isn't cutting it. The week before this past week - I was basically off Wed. through Sun. when I went to Michigan and I already was feeling like shit about work by Monday night. You know it's bad when you are reviewing your health insurance benefits and thinking - wow, I have 45 days of inpatient mental health coverage and 45 days of inpatient substance abuse treatment. Rock on. Sign me up. Check me in. I am prepared to declare myself totally unstable and a danger to myself (and possibly others) if it means I can get some damn time off.

More to follow - something more interesting than how many hours I'm working I hope.