The unstress of it

My job has taken a turn for the unstressful - or I've had a dramatic shift in perspective. I think it's the former. All last week I left early every day, mainly because I was sick, and took a day off. This week, it's just not that busy. I mean, I have work, but it's not piling up in front of me. I'm not complaining about being less busy - I'm rather enjoying it actually. And I wouldn't even mind if it lasted all through the summer, right through my leave. The only problem is that when things slow down, I lose all motivation. I become bored instantly. If I'm not drowning under work and feeling the pressure of multiple deadlines, I am a lot less efficient. It's just the way I am. In fact, I am sometimes known to really slack off when things slow down just to create some artificial time pressure.

So my last post I thought I was slipping into depression. And then the past couple of days I thought I wasn't. I actually felt really pretty good - almost too good actually - so good that something maybe wasn't right about it. I was going to post about it. But my mood changes so quickly that I can't keep up with posting about it. It's like I blink and it's not the same. Anyway, I didn't sink as low as I expected to. The only thing I can attribute this too is an all day (literally all day) instant message conversation with another blogger which a) kept me occupied, b) laid all my problems/issues out in front of me almost painfully clearly, c) made me think it isn't as hopeless as I sometimes think it is, d) made me realize that I have made more progress on some things than I think I have and less on others, e) made clear that I am suffering more than I should be, definitely, and causing myself a lot of pain, and f) made me think maybe it's time to, you know, try something different. It's now people. I need to do something now. And I felt really good for a couple of days. Really good. But it didn't last.

Today, I just feel blah again. Maybe not hopeless about my life. Not quite.

Anyway, I am unstressed, kind of blah, unmotivated, slightly bored. Sinking maybe again.

I had a really weird experience today. I went to the dentist and she had to numb me to do some stuff. Well, typically I refuse to go that route at the dentist and I tolerate the pain. I have let my teeth be drilled into before without being numb. I kind of think I have like an out of body experience when I've done this. It's like I'm not really present or something, I mean, it's weird, but you sort of have to maybe enter another state of being to tolerate the pain. Anyway, I went the other route this time. It made me sick. I was dizzy, I felt like I couldn't breathe. I'm not allergic to it. It was weird. When I got up, I almost passed out. I was walking to my car and I had to sit down, that's how close to passing out I was. I was driving home and I could barely stay awake. I got home, sat down and fell asleep almost instantly. Weird.