If I could have just one day where I didn't have to think about the fact that I had breast cancer, what a relief it would be. I would settle for just one day. To remember what that feels like - what it was like before. There is before and after - and it will never be what it was. The time when I didn't regret everything. What I would give not to regret everything. One day where I didn't have to live under a shroud of fear and anxiety. I wanted to feel empowered by it, by the fact that I am a survivor, but I don't, not anymore. I used to wear a bracelet that said I was a survivor but I stopped wearing it because I got tired of answering questions about the thing that I would give anything to just forget. It's hard to feel empowered by having survived something that may very well be the thing that kills you, and way before your time. It is hard to live, hard to plan, hard to be optimistic about the future. I am not, on most days. Most days I just wish for something I can't have. I don't know how to live with this anymore. I never did really figure it out, as hard as I thought I tried to.
It's breast cancer awareness month. It's in my face, all day at work, all over the place. Every where I go, a constant reminder.
My friend Nina posted asking people what they would want if they could have just one thing. She got it exactly right. Time.
1 comment:
Damn, girl. We all need time - but you have it and you will continue to have it. I hope I am around too so I can share it with you.
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