I had it in my mind once when I was much younger to live a life of no regret. But I have realized that to do so is basically an impossibility. When you get to the end, if you are given the chance to think about it, there is going to be something. No matter how hard you try, no matter how well of a life you have lived, there will be something. I can pretty much guarantee you that.
I wanted to clear away the regrets of my past when I had breast cancer. It was an awakening in many ways but the amount of regret I had for being only 29 years old was astounding, devastating in some ways really. The truth is, I have not been able to clear much of any of it away. You just learn to live with it I guess. Or ignore it. It doesn't help to say if only I had and what if I hadn't. But it's hard to help it when you are reflecting on the question of whether you were happy. Or whatever the ultimate question turns out to be for you. I suppose that wasn't the only question I asked myself. There were many. But this is the question that plagues me the most even six years later. Can I at least say that I was happy? Am I happy? Coach Leigh asked me and I couldn't even say what makes me happy. Does rock climbing count? Cause that's all I can think of. We talked about passion - I don't have one. I can't even tell you what inspires me.
I have a lot of if onlys and a lot of what ifs when I think about the past 20 years of my life. Sometimes I try to tell myself that if I had known better or differently I would have done better or differently. That is probably the truth. But mostly we all just walk around doing what is probably the best we can do not even realizing that it isn't enough. The truth is, I don't even really want to be a lawyer any more. But that's another problem for another post.
I frequently ponder the question of what I will feel if I get breast cancer again. It is how I gauge what path I am on. I am constantly reminded of my own mortality as I walk through the world. As I went through the process of surviving breast cancer, the only thing I would have told you I wanted was time. Simply more of it. What if my 29 years had been it? What was I leaving behind? I wanted a "do over." I wanted to do it all over because I would have done it entirely differently. You might say I got one. A "do over" that is. I mean, I've had six years cancer free and what have I done with it? I mean really done with it? I can tell you - I have done nothing. I haven't changed as a person in all the ways I wanted to, nor have I changed the way I approach or live life. My outlook hasn't changed. Even my perspective has slipped back to my before breast cancer life - even though I do know always that life can change in a heartbeat. If I got breast cancer again, like right now, my assessment of the past six years of my life would be that I had failed completely and entirely.
Some people feel like going through what I went through is a gift. It is an opportunity. It wakes you up. It calls your attention to what matters in life. It is life changing - but is it, really? Not always. I believe I probably needed a wake up call but in some ways it has been a curse and not a blessing. It is mixed really I guess. The only thing I can hope for I suppose is that I get the gift of more time. And the gift of both desperation and willingness. I could do without another opportunity to ponder the meaning of my life.
Wyatt asked me - what if I could be remembered for something. What do I want to leave behind. What word would I want on my tombstone. I didn't really have to think about it and it doesn't have much really to do with happiness after all. I simply want it to say that I had inspired someone, so that I could know that what I had suffered had not been for nothing.
He said - what if you already have?
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