In need of a reality check about how I got here

I'll post about the dress. I will. Just not yet. I started writing it, but I haven't finished it yet. It's complicated and there is much to say.

First I need to check in. That's what a lot of people say at meetings when they share "off topic" - they say they need to check in, about what's going on with them at the moment. I'm checking in here because well, I didn't go to meeting and I need to check in. I need to say something, out loud (this counts as out loud, right?). I've been thinking about drinking. WHOA. Okay, wait a minute. Back up. I'm not going to, I don't even want to necessarily, I've just been thinking about it. I've been thinking about it more than I should be, more than I'm comfortable with, more than is normal for me. I never think about it anymore. It's not even kind of appealing. But it's been on my mind. And the thing is, I always hear the same story when people relapse. They say, I don't really know how it happened, before I knew it I was drinking. You hear it over and over again - someone will say I was sober for 12 years and then I had a drink in my hand. And of course it's a choice, but, that's just the way I imagine it happening - like it happens on accident.

Here's the thing - I came into AA with a high bottom, if you want to call it that. I never lost anything, nothing really terrible happened. My life was really well in tact. It's very easy for me to hear the differences when I listen to other peoples' stories and say, but I never did that or that, and I was never that bad, and that never happened to me. And then your mind starts going down that track and it can get way from you. I didn't drink that much - I really didn't. The next thing you know, you think it doesn't really apply to you. Well I didn't go to a meeting for 9 days, I felt pretty good, and then you know, I just started to wonder if I really have this problem. I mean really, do I really? Did I just stop prematurely because I got scared of turning into my mother? Or do I really qualify?

What I have to remember is this - when I found myself sitting in an AA meeting for the first time, I hated myself and I didn't want to live anymore - and it had nothing to do with alcohol - at last not directly. And that's the problem that I found the solution to in AA - the hating myself and wanting to die problem. The alcohol was but a symptom of the problem as we say. The problem was me. I found the solution to that - to my self esteem, to my self-hatred, to my fear, to my anxiety, to my racing mind, to my discomfort in my own skin, to my obsessive thinking, to my "all or nothing" thinking, to my fear of other people, to my insecurity, to my fear of abandonment, and so much more. That's what I found the solution to in AA - I stopped drinking and I worked the program and I didn't hate myself and I didn't want to die any more and all of those things and so much more changed.

And yes it's true that I do relate to what people in the program say. I relate to why they drank and all of the feelings involved. Alcohol did for me what it did for all of the people in the program. And yeah, at some point I did cross that line where once I started drinking I couldn't stop myself anymore. Because I have countless stories of drinking more than I wanted to and doing things that I didn't want to do. And yeah, like any of us in the program would say, I love that feeling that you get when you drink - I loved it. But drinking aside, the way I felt when I came into the program - I don't ever want to feel that way again. Ever. And that's what I give up if I go drink - I give up all of those things that I've found the solution to. Not to mention everything that goes along with the actual drinking. Because the truth is, if I decided to drink, I don't know what would happen.

I think sometimes I still feel ashamed when it comes to admitting to being an alcoholic. It's not something I should feel ashamed about, but it is. And my head gets away from me because I would rather be normal. And every once in a while I just think it sounds like a good idea - not to obliterate myself, but you know, more like wouldn't it be nice to have a glass of wine with dinner? It doesn't help that the situation with my sponsor hasn't been working out. I called my first sponsor in Michigan yesterday and I'm going to do some step work with her for a while even though we have to do it over the phone. I think it will work out well and I feel better about working with her at this point.

You know what snapped me out of it? What snapped me out of my head trying to convince me that I'm actually normal and don't have this problem? I was sitting at a meeting and this guy said - getting sober was the most difficult thing I've ever done. I thought yeah, me too. YEAH, ME TOO. And the crazy thing is - when I showed up in AA, I didn't think I was an alcoholic - I was sure that I wasn't. I just hated myself and my life and everyone else and I wanted to die, but no, not an alcoholic, definitely not. But, for someone who didn't have a problem with alcohol, it was fucking hard to stop drinking. Seriously. And yeah, not drinking now is easy, but in October of 2005 when I came into AA, just not drinking when I every part of me wanted to, was the fucking hardest thing I've ever done. It snapped me out of it - because if not drinking was the hardest thing I've ever done, I obviously belong in this program. I wish I could get over the shame I associate with it.

And what am I saying anyway - you know - it's just my head getting away from me. Because I love AA. I do. I told you, I wanted to die - and it saved my life. And while I might feel ashamed to admit to being an alcoholic - everything I have in my life and everything I love about my life is all because of AA. So no, I don't really want to drink. I just need to get my head in check. That's all I have thanks, I'll keep coming back (as I would say at the end of sharing at at a meeting).

That was helpful. I feel better already.

Gone awry

The situation with my sponsor is not right. It hasn't been right for a while actually. It went awry somewhere in mid-December and hasn't recovered. If I had to say what went wrong, well, I can't really say. It is possible that the problem started before mid-December really. For me it started to feel wrong right before Christmas. We had a disagreement. Which is generally fine - we don't always agree and I wouldn't expect us to. There are certainly things that may be handled multiple different ways and of course you won't always agree with your sponsor on how to handle something. She doesn't have the monopoly on sobriety or anything, or how to live life for that matter. I think she has whatever reason for believing in what she said, and honestly, who knows what else she might have had going on coloring the situation, and I respect her opinion on it, I just disagree with it, and after careful reflection and discussing it with a long-time sober and very trusted person, I still just disagree with it. And that's fine, but it isn't I guess. It caused a rift between us, or rather it just cracked wide open the one that was developing. Generally speaking I think such things can be overcome - except that this particular thing seems to have seeped it's way into everything. It's not just about the one particular situation anymore - it is bleeding over into the handling of other things.

The why of it doesn't matter I suppose and certainly no one is to blame - just the fact of it is important. My relationship with my sponsor has been compromised - and by compromised I mean I no longer feel able to tell her the truth. That's a problem. If you can't tell your sponsor the truth then your relationship is pointless and ineffective. I've tried to call her to discuss it but she hasn't called me back. In fact - the last time I talked to her was, um, gee, I don't know. Last Thursday I think. Anyway - I've basically been operating without a sponsor for a month now. And of course the right thing is to discuss it with her (because this could be a bigger deal in my head than it actually is - except that the feeling of not being able to tell the truth to her may not be possible to remedy), but I can't get her on the phone and the past several times we had plans to meet up to do step work, she canceled on me. I am harboring major resentments against this woman at the moment. How much of this is my resentments versus the actual situation? I don't know. I just know that I feel like I can't be honest with her, and that isn't going to work. And she seems to be too busy to even call me back - and yes of course people get busy, but I can probably count on one hand the number of times she didn't call me back the same day (and two of them have been in the past week) - and I just find it interesting because her other sponsee said yesterday that she has talked to her every time she has needed to. Hmm - maybe she is feeling like something isn't right also.

Everything, a non-event

I haven't been around the blog world much this week - I was up in Michigan, at "home." Like most things, nothing was as I expected it to be. Be wary of your expectations they tell you - they set you up for, at the very least, disappointment - sometimes something far worse than disappointment. I tried to just not have any.

Breakfast with my mother, telling my father why I don't drink, my anniversary even - everything, a non-event. The thing about my anniversary is that on the one hand it means everything to me, and on the other hand, it's just another day. It does mean something to me though - the year starts for me on December 14th, not January 1, and not on my birthday. It used to be that I paid attention to the years from each birthday - you know, reviewing the year, assessing my accomplishments and failures. Now I just measure by a different date. It is a marker in time. There is my life before and my life after. This thing that I am living, this life that I have, it's like a different lifetime really.

My anniversary was nice though - I went to the noon meeting that I went to every day for the first 4 months, sat with some people who where there on that very first day, and the topic at the table was inspiration, and how we all inspire each other. I then went to lunch with some friends and spent some time with my first sponsor. My best friend Heather came out for the afternoon and we went to dinner and hung out with another friend. It was nice. I saw a lot of people, went to a lot of meetings, and saw a lot more people. I drove home a day early because of the snow storm that was coming - well, it's since come and gone here in Chicago, but it's snowing from Michigan all the way to Boston. Today, here - it's sunny and bright, the roads are mostly cleared, and it smells crisp and clean out.

So, the things I was stressed about - my mom and dad. Breakfast with my mom was literally 30 minutes. She acts like she wants to see me so bad, and then it's over before it even begins. She asked me to set up her vm on her new cell phone and show her how to use the address book. I got irritated and then apologized. She told me I have nice skin and then it was over. We left. She didn't even try to hug me in the parking lot like she normally does. She just said I'm cold and walked away.

The telling of my father - telling him why I don't drink - well, I should have thought about the fact in advance that my dad is a "non-reactor." Seriously - my dad could be having the time of his life - literally - the time of his life, and you would not be able to tell. My dad's reaction to fun is like my dad's reaction to the death of someone - it is the same - mostly flat. So my dad's reaction to why I don't drink - just that - a non-reaction. My brother's prediction was that my dad would react better than expected, but not as well as one would have hoped. I think my dad's non-reaction was even better than predicted actually.

He said nothing negative, only positive things. He told me that it was a wise choice, that he always worried about it because of my mother and grandmother, that he was proud of me. He mentioned some program people that he has met at the restaurant that he eats at twice a day. There is this woman there who has told him her story and told him about how the program works. He didn't really mention AA other than the couple of people he has met though. But anyway, there was nothing negative said, he wasn't upset or angry or disappointed. Is this the doorway through which my father and I will forge a more honest relationship? That I don't know.

My dad has surprised me a few times now though. I guess I would say he is less judgmental than I once thought, and less clueless also. I think he acts oblivious to his family's dysfunction, but it is sometimes apparent that the illusion he lives under isn't as thick as it seems. He always had this ability to let go his children - something my mom never had and still doesn't. My dad, once we were mostly adults - had this ability to say - you are going to do what you are going to do and granted neither of us have ever done anything completely outrageous - BUT - my dad has really been nothing but accepting of anything I've ever done. He hasn't always known how to show support (but he has also never been blatantly not supportive) - but he means well. I think he has always had the best of intentions.

Today is my two year AA anniversary

To thine own self be true.

I always forget things

Speaking at the meeting went fine - it went great actually. I worry for nothing. Every time I say I won't worry the next time, and then I worry. And then afterwards - I always think damn - there were things I meant to say that I left out - really important things about life and sobriety and the moment and what a gift it is to get to live differently. Did I say enough about faith - I don't know. Cause really - it's hard to cram it all in to 20-30 minutes - I honestly think it would take like 2 hours to tell the whole story. But it was what it was, I said what I was supposed to say - and once I got my name out, that feeling of calm came over me again. That is the grace of my higher power.

The most amazing thing - is what the other people say - it's such a great feeling when someone shares how much your story impacts them or comes up to you afterwards to thank you and tells you that you helped them or inspired them. It's a good feeling. I wish I could help more people. And I don't think my story is that amazing or anything, or that I am oh so cool or anything - but someone said something really nice to me afterwards when he came up to thank me. He told me that he has heard hundreds and hundreds of leads at meetings - and that what I shared tonight is in the top 5 leads he has ever heard. How nice was that?

I believe wholeheartedly in AA. I have complete faith that it can change you life if you want it. Miracles are possible. I know, because my life is one and it is in fact possible to stay sober through anything, no matter how devastating. I just feel overwhelmed with gratitude - I always do when I speak at a meeting. It reminds me how damn lucky I am to be sitting here.