The situation with my sponsor is not right. It hasn't been right for a while actually. It went awry somewhere in mid-December and hasn't recovered. If I had to say what went wrong, well, I can't really say. It is possible that the problem started before mid-December really. For me it started to feel wrong right before Christmas. We had a disagreement. Which is generally fine - we don't always agree and I wouldn't expect us to. There are certainly things that may be handled multiple different ways and of course you won't always agree with your sponsor on how to handle something. She doesn't have the monopoly on sobriety or anything, or how to live life for that matter. I think she has whatever reason for believing in what she said, and honestly, who knows what else she might have had going on coloring the situation, and I respect her opinion on it, I just disagree with it, and after careful reflection and discussing it with a long-time sober and very trusted person, I still just disagree with it. And that's fine, but it isn't I guess. It caused a rift between us, or rather it just cracked wide open the one that was developing. Generally speaking I think such things can be overcome - except that this particular thing seems to have seeped it's way into everything. It's not just about the one particular situation anymore - it is bleeding over into the handling of other things.
The why of it doesn't matter I suppose and certainly no one is to blame - just the fact of it is important. My relationship with my sponsor has been compromised - and by compromised I mean I no longer feel able to tell her the truth. That's a problem. If you can't tell your sponsor the truth then your relationship is pointless and ineffective. I've tried to call her to discuss it but she hasn't called me back. In fact - the last time I talked to her was, um, gee, I don't know. Last Thursday I think. Anyway - I've basically been operating without a sponsor for a month now. And of course the right thing is to discuss it with her (because this could be a bigger deal in my head than it actually is - except that the feeling of not being able to tell the truth to her may not be possible to remedy), but I can't get her on the phone and the past several times we had plans to meet up to do step work, she canceled on me. I am harboring major resentments against this woman at the moment. How much of this is my resentments versus the actual situation? I don't know. I just know that I feel like I can't be honest with her, and that isn't going to work. And she seems to be too busy to even call me back - and yes of course people get busy, but I can probably count on one hand the number of times she didn't call me back the same day (and two of them have been in the past week) - and I just find it interesting because her other sponsee said yesterday that she has talked to her every time she has needed to. Hmm - maybe she is feeling like something isn't right also.
3 comments:
Try leaving another message, and be honest, that you would like to speak with her about your level of honesty or lack of it with her just recently, would she call you back please?
My sponsor doesnt return calls immediately unless I say on the phone that I need her to call the same day. Even then she doesnt always. I challenged her on it once along time ago, she says, I have to trust her that she will if she cant and she wont if she cant. She doesnt not return out of spite or some game. She does her best, just like I do, and at times she forgets to return calls just like I do.
I am not taking any side of the fence here, I suggest you make that call and be honest, see what she says.
And remember, other people re sick too. A sponsor is just another alky doing it a day at a time. length of sobriety doesnt mean cured of defects.
I would pray for her each day, ask for patience and tolerence cos she is a sick person..like you.
make the call, whatever happens, you will continue to breathe :)
this is not something i know anything about, but can you find another sponsor?
Hi popped by again with another thought.
Seeing as I dont know how much you have tried to reconcile, and how much like you say may be in your head... Its hard really to suggest any more than I have. and thats why I didnt suggest changing sponsors yesterday.
I know was easy for me to think about changing sponsors everytime the relationship hit an obstacle, BUT instead of running, I stuck around and listened, got honest and TRIED to communicate responsibly... which is something I had NEVER done before. Any lengths really. My natural default was to hide, not talk and assume the worst, either I was wrong or she was deliberately avoiding or dissing me. I now know that not to be the case.
Whether ultimately you change sponsors is not really the issue today, I would try and resolve it before changing. I learned valuable personal relationship skills, maintaining relationships with sponsor/s. Sometimes I was wrong, sometimes they were, sometimes we were all correct but needed to compromise somewhere to move on.
In the spirit of Forgiveness, patience and tolerence, learning how to "work with others" for me is about how to work with my sponsor, not just with newcomers. Not in the still suffering sense of the words, merely as another human being.
If you do change sponsors, try and know exactly why you are changing before you do and be comfortable with it if you can.
Best
Johno
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