In need of a reality check about how I got here

I'll post about the dress. I will. Just not yet. I started writing it, but I haven't finished it yet. It's complicated and there is much to say.

First I need to check in. That's what a lot of people say at meetings when they share "off topic" - they say they need to check in, about what's going on with them at the moment. I'm checking in here because well, I didn't go to meeting and I need to check in. I need to say something, out loud (this counts as out loud, right?). I've been thinking about drinking. WHOA. Okay, wait a minute. Back up. I'm not going to, I don't even want to necessarily, I've just been thinking about it. I've been thinking about it more than I should be, more than I'm comfortable with, more than is normal for me. I never think about it anymore. It's not even kind of appealing. But it's been on my mind. And the thing is, I always hear the same story when people relapse. They say, I don't really know how it happened, before I knew it I was drinking. You hear it over and over again - someone will say I was sober for 12 years and then I had a drink in my hand. And of course it's a choice, but, that's just the way I imagine it happening - like it happens on accident.

Here's the thing - I came into AA with a high bottom, if you want to call it that. I never lost anything, nothing really terrible happened. My life was really well in tact. It's very easy for me to hear the differences when I listen to other peoples' stories and say, but I never did that or that, and I was never that bad, and that never happened to me. And then your mind starts going down that track and it can get way from you. I didn't drink that much - I really didn't. The next thing you know, you think it doesn't really apply to you. Well I didn't go to a meeting for 9 days, I felt pretty good, and then you know, I just started to wonder if I really have this problem. I mean really, do I really? Did I just stop prematurely because I got scared of turning into my mother? Or do I really qualify?

What I have to remember is this - when I found myself sitting in an AA meeting for the first time, I hated myself and I didn't want to live anymore - and it had nothing to do with alcohol - at last not directly. And that's the problem that I found the solution to in AA - the hating myself and wanting to die problem. The alcohol was but a symptom of the problem as we say. The problem was me. I found the solution to that - to my self esteem, to my self-hatred, to my fear, to my anxiety, to my racing mind, to my discomfort in my own skin, to my obsessive thinking, to my "all or nothing" thinking, to my fear of other people, to my insecurity, to my fear of abandonment, and so much more. That's what I found the solution to in AA - I stopped drinking and I worked the program and I didn't hate myself and I didn't want to die any more and all of those things and so much more changed.

And yes it's true that I do relate to what people in the program say. I relate to why they drank and all of the feelings involved. Alcohol did for me what it did for all of the people in the program. And yeah, at some point I did cross that line where once I started drinking I couldn't stop myself anymore. Because I have countless stories of drinking more than I wanted to and doing things that I didn't want to do. And yeah, like any of us in the program would say, I love that feeling that you get when you drink - I loved it. But drinking aside, the way I felt when I came into the program - I don't ever want to feel that way again. Ever. And that's what I give up if I go drink - I give up all of those things that I've found the solution to. Not to mention everything that goes along with the actual drinking. Because the truth is, if I decided to drink, I don't know what would happen.

I think sometimes I still feel ashamed when it comes to admitting to being an alcoholic. It's not something I should feel ashamed about, but it is. And my head gets away from me because I would rather be normal. And every once in a while I just think it sounds like a good idea - not to obliterate myself, but you know, more like wouldn't it be nice to have a glass of wine with dinner? It doesn't help that the situation with my sponsor hasn't been working out. I called my first sponsor in Michigan yesterday and I'm going to do some step work with her for a while even though we have to do it over the phone. I think it will work out well and I feel better about working with her at this point.

You know what snapped me out of it? What snapped me out of my head trying to convince me that I'm actually normal and don't have this problem? I was sitting at a meeting and this guy said - getting sober was the most difficult thing I've ever done. I thought yeah, me too. YEAH, ME TOO. And the crazy thing is - when I showed up in AA, I didn't think I was an alcoholic - I was sure that I wasn't. I just hated myself and my life and everyone else and I wanted to die, but no, not an alcoholic, definitely not. But, for someone who didn't have a problem with alcohol, it was fucking hard to stop drinking. Seriously. And yeah, not drinking now is easy, but in October of 2005 when I came into AA, just not drinking when I every part of me wanted to, was the fucking hardest thing I've ever done. It snapped me out of it - because if not drinking was the hardest thing I've ever done, I obviously belong in this program. I wish I could get over the shame I associate with it.

And what am I saying anyway - you know - it's just my head getting away from me. Because I love AA. I do. I told you, I wanted to die - and it saved my life. And while I might feel ashamed to admit to being an alcoholic - everything I have in my life and everything I love about my life is all because of AA. So no, I don't really want to drink. I just need to get my head in check. That's all I have thanks, I'll keep coming back (as I would say at the end of sharing at at a meeting).

That was helpful. I feel better already.