I got my first haircut today. I say first haircut because it is the first time I have cut my hair since it all fell out and grew back in. I just had about an inch and a half cut off the bottom of the back - I'm debating growing it back to long - but in any event, the top has to catch up to the bottom and it was looking a little too mullet like. It took 10 minutes and cost me 12 dollars. Gone are the days of spending 2.5 hours and 150 dollars every 7 weeks in a hair salon. I used to love to color my hair, it made me feel like I could wake up and reinvent myself. I could just look different, be different - I used to color it differently every time. Blond highlights, red ones, back to dark brown, carmel color highlights, low lights. Always different. The ever present feeling that I was somehow escaping. For now, I am sticking to my natural hair color and waiting for it to grow - but if only it were as simple as changing your hair color.
I've been posting a lot more lately, though sorry it isn't interesting. I am sure you love reading about the options when it comes to peeing and my really poor body image. It's just that my other avenues, or outlets are disintegrating one by one, and at the very least, I can dump my head out here. Fortunately, or perhaps unfortunately, I don't really get feedback - but there is comfort in knowing that I am less alone than I used to be, or than I would be if I keep it to myself. Some of my friendships are dissolving - important ones - and in some ways I feel like I am standing on the sidelines watching, powerless to stop it. And in other ways I feel myself distancing myself from certain other people, out of necessity, coupled with fear. The fear goes both ways - when it comes to sticking around or running away, either choice is based upon fear.
My sponsor says I have to start talking more - talking at every meeting. Meetings are great but what good is all this junk swirling around in my mind? I leave a meeting and I'm still stuck with myself and what goes on in my own head if I don't ever let anyone else in there. I always feel better when I share, but I am so damn scared to. Do I make sense, do I sound stupid? Are they judging me? Am I one of those people, who when they raise their hand, you cringe and roll your eyes at your friend sitting across the room - this little silent communication about the other people who are sharing. Don't act like you don't know what I am talking about. We all do it when certain people share. I don't know - I feel overly self conscious lately. Self centered fear. My sponsor says I have to step my program up and get out of myself and my own head. I'm tired of myself, frankly. I am going to take her suggestions - because I've never been steered wrong and I am tired of feeling the way I've been feeling. My options are limited, the way I see it, so I'm going to do what she tells me to do because I trust her that it will work.
So I have this weirdness about me when it comes to opening up to people - I'm either in, or out. I divulge a lot or very little, but emotionally, I am cut off either way - I don't invest myself very easily. It takes some time - to really let someone in. I get close - seemingly, but it is on the surface, and never so close that I can't cut and run when it becomes too scary or feels too threatening. I have always struggled with letting people get to know me - first of all because I assume I am unlikeable, and second of all, I have this overpowering fear of abandonment - and it wins, nearly every time.
If you don't know me, you can't abandon me and I'll make sure to abandon you, before you have the chance anyway. I don't want to need you or miss you or want you around, because I won't know what to do when you turn around and leave me standing here. Yet I can't let you go either. There is this push and pull. This friend asked for my blog link and to be honest, the thought of giving it to him made me nervous after I had a minute to think about it. I've tried to be honest writing here, more so than I am in person with people (and discovering that it is actually easier to open up than I thought). But what happens when you give all your secrets away to someone else, and they leave with them? Because the thing is - part of me feels like - if I am going to give you a window into my world and even let you peer in here, you damn well better not break through the window, take a couple of things, and leave. I feel like that has happened recently.
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