So - I came home one day early from my work trip. It cost me 180 bucks to get home early - which I probably can't get reimbursed for. Although I will try. But the question is - what is my sanity worth? At least 180 dollars apparently. I just couldn't sit through another dinner. Thursday was no problem. Friday was okay, and I didn't drink - it's just not a comfortable situation to be in. Hour one is fine. Hour two is okay. Hour three, so so. Hour four - it's time to get out of there. For some reason, and I don't know exactly why - even when I am spiritually in a good spot, and not feeling particularly tempted - these situations are exhausting to be in. They exhaust me every time, much to my surprise. I know to those on the other side you just think, so, you just don't drink, but the thing is, it isn't that simple. It's a bit of a balancing act and a line drawing problem when these two worlds collide. This trip is the closest they have ever come to crashing and by worlds I mean my work life and my "real" life. I have to do what is required for my job, yet know where to draw the line - such that my job is not jeopardized in any way, nor is my sanity or my sobriety. This is a delicate balance I found out and I am not so skilled at knowing where to draw the line.
Anyway, on other fronts, this guy asked me to coffee, then told me he had to check with his sponsor and then his sponsor said he shouldn't go. I found this disappointing. This is the only guy I've even had a remote interest in that I have met in the program here, and of course, I don't meet anyone outside of the program and everyone I work with is married. Not having the usual social circle and activities is a bit of a handicap I think. Anyway, this guy has been sober long enough to go to coffee, right (he's been sober longer than me)? It's just coffee for God's sake. Then again, coffee leads to other things, and where does the line get drawn around this one? I mean, what started with coffee in my early sobriety ended in divorce. HA HA HA. Well, I think it's kind of funny.
But I find it disappointing nonetheless. Rather than have his sponsor decide for me that I don't get to decide that I don't like him, I'd like the chance to figure that out on my own. I have to say though - he scores a few points by the mere fact that he listens to his sponsor. I respect the fact that he takes suggestions cause most people don't. Most people, as a way to get out of blatantly not taking a sponsor's suggestions - simply don't always tell the truth. I fall into this category. If there is something I want to do, and I don't want to be told how bad of an idea it is, I just do it without telling anyone. Then I pay the price and sometimes fess up later in what can only be described as a half truth. Did I mention before that this is a program of honesty? HA HA.
In any event, I did have a chance to talk to him after the meeting, so that was good (says who?) - although I have a feeling his sponsor would say standing outside the Alano club after the meeting for 45 minutes is akin to having coffee and therefore goes against his suggestion. Not to mention the fact that his sponsor probably has a reason for making the suggestion and truthfully, I don't really want any of his unresolved crap cluttering up my world. I mean - that right there is a reason to stay out of a relationship anyway. I was telling my brother about this and he said something to the effect of - you've been sober roughly the same amount of time, how much damage could you cause one another...truthfully, probably a lot. I am tired of other people's dysfunction in general. But then again, you are never going to find the perfect person, right? We all have a past, we all have behaviors we hope never to repeat, we've all hurt people. I do try to remember though what someone told me once - if you meet someone, and they tell you they are bad at relationships - believe them.
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