A couple of important observations that come out of my first out of town internal meeting/event with my colleagues:
1) It is perfectly acceptable to miss the meetings if you are hung over. In fact, management believes that half of the people in the room have had to leave in the middle of the meeting to either puke and/or sleep - and they seem to find the drinking stories associated with such occurrences funny, also, they are participants.
2) Because I don't drink - I miss out on a significant part of the bonding experience which is half, if not entirely the point of this entire experience. All of the really important bonding seems to occur between 7 p.m. and 5 a.m. - and here I am at 11 p.m., already in bed, blogging of all things - because I am too full to sleep. It is the bonding that occurs in the wee hours of the night, when the light bulbs have been unscrewed, as the hotel room furniture has been rearranged to permit dancing, as floor lamps are waltzed with, as arm chairs are surfed off of...are we a bunch of youngish to middle aged lawyers, or are we at a frat party? Folks are lobbying for next years meeting to be held in Cancun - but the preference is to wait until after spring break season. The evening conversations over dinner are dominated by trying to remember which year can be considered the most drunk and most hungover, and therefore the most fun year? And the level of the conversation is about as follows:
Associate: "Are your sinuses dripping?"
Partner: "What?"
Associate: "Are your sinuses dripping? You know - are your sinuses clear? I mean, it's like every time you take a sip, your nose goes in the glass, and you know, you inhale it."
Associate: "Are you supposed to sip cognac, or shoot it?"
Partner: "Sip it." "A couple of hours from now, shoot it."
Associate: "I'm a drunk, but I'm functional." (Everyone laughs)
Associate: "Do your sinuses always drip when you drink cognac, or is it only when you drink the really expensive cognac?"
The other non drinking (because she is pregnant) associate: "Four drinks, I mean, I would never have four drinks."
Me (thinking): Four drinks, why would you stop at four drinks? Damn, I really feel like blabbing that I am an alcoholic right now. Just to watch them squirm in their seats. Out loud I am laughing right along with them, but in my head, I am thinking all sorts of other things...
3) The food is outstanding and there is a lot of it. I am going to have to diet starting Sunday - I had dessert three times today.
4) Lastly, I am horribly and painfully uncomfortable here and it has nothing to do with alcohol. I have been pleasantly surprised at how little the alcohol has actually bothered me. Although I would be lying if I didn't say that I thought about it a lot during dinner as I watched them all drink and recount the stories of years past. I even felt tempted at moments and even had the thought - just one, no one would know. But would I stop at one? Probably not...fortunately, the tape plays to the end and I don't give in. The truth is - parts of the stories sound fun and mostly it is because I miss the sense of togetherness, the cohesiveness. I feel like an outsider. I am the odd one out. Stick me in an AA meeting and I am fine. Force me to converse with anyone else, anyone in any career, anyone with any other job - I'm fine - comfortable, even outgoing. Stick me in a room full of other lawyers and I am quiet, uncomfortable, and I feel totally out of my element. The truth is, I think I am good at my job - but surround me by my own people so to speak, and I feel inferior, less than, not smart enough, unintelligent, not witty enough, not well spoken enough. I don't feel a part of, I feel like an outcast, I feel different, I feel unable to hold a conversation. I feel stupid basically and like I don't deserve to be here.
I find it surprising that in all other areas of my life right now I feel so at east, but here, in my world, in my career etc., I feel like I don't belong.
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