"Who would you like to list as your emergency contact please?"

Me: Uh, ummm.....uh (long pause), uh.....(mind is blank), ummm...do I have to list someone?

Receptionist: Uh, ummm.....uh, you don't have anyone you want to list as an emergency contact person?

Me: Uh, no. I don't have anyone like that.

Receptionist: Blank stare.

Me: Do I have to list someone?

Receptionist: Uh, no, I guess not. You don't have anyone to list?

Me: No. I don't have anyone like that...(thinking...who is the best person I know in case of an emergency? That would be myself...I can't list myself). No, I don't have anyone.

I find this both annoying and sad. Sad mostly. I go through this every time I have a doctor's appointment with a new doctor. Am I going to have to tell her, well, my mom is an alcoholic and will go hysterical, my dad has no coping skills and my brother lives in Germany - cause if I have to tell her this, I'll end up telling her my life story - and then I got sober, then I got breast cancer, then I got married and divorced - the story comes out at the most inappropriate times. Typically, I list my brother - but he is too far away at the moment. The fact is though - for any of my friends reading this - I know I could list any one of you and all of you would respond in case of an emergency. It's just that - I am like a deer caught in headlights every time this happens.

You would think I would have pre-designated someone as my emergency contact by now. Your parents are naturally the first thing that comes to mind though - but my parents are simply not an option. I mean, when I found out I had breast cancer - I had to console my hysterical mother - which was surreal - almost like watching the event from above and thinking - this isn't how this is supposed to happen.

The fact that I have no emergency contact person, coupled with the fact that I have no where to go for Easter dinner (not like Easter is a big deal or anything...although I do really wish I had someone to give me an Easter basket - cause Easter baskets really really make me happy) - has left me more than a little depressed this past week. This, coupled with the fact that my birthday is coming up -which always depresses me - but more on that later. Mostly it makes me sad that my mother is never going to be different and my past is never going to be anything other than it was. It makes me sad in a way that my mother isn't my emergency contact. That she isn't there for me at all, in any way, shape, or form. Well, actually, what I really wish is that I had some other mother to list as my emergency contact. My sponsor said to me yesterday - I am really sorry that your mother is never going to be the mother you wanted her to be. Thirty years later, you would think I would have gotten over that.