First off, it feels a little weird to talk about this - because this, that I am about to talk about - is my fundamental problem, I believe anyway. Second, where do I begin? Third, some of you don't know some of this.
This is all stemming from my recent reflections pending my 30th birthday, and the fact that I have watched too many episodes of TLC's What Not to Wear with Stacey and Clinton - a great show (I've learned a lot), but it is prompting me to shop. It's made me want to change my wardrobe, dress differently, present myself differently...am I hiding, am I trying to change the outside because changing the inside isn't working, or am I changing the outside to match the inside, or am I just trying to be someone I'm not, either to get you to like me, or because I don't like myself, or both, or is it something entirely different? I'm not sure. But I have learned a lot about shopping for clothes - to buy more color and pattern, to better accessorise - shoes are important, to buy more versatile pieces that can be good for work and evening, to buy things that fit your body shape well, and most importantly, that you can look outstanding no matter what your body type is like - it's all a matter of how the clothes fit.
My body image, it's bad. My self esteem - only slightly better. Ask anyone who knows me and they would say that I am very thin - maybe too thin, but if you ask me, I will tell you that I am 5-10 pounds too heavy - I just hide it well. I don't think I know a single woman who doesn't have a messed up body image. Every woman I know would tell you, unequivocally, that her body image, if not entirely poor, is certainly skewed. How do I see something completely different than what you see? Where does it stem from - I don't know? T.v., magazines, parents maybe, men, a combination - feelings of not being good enough, not being pretty enough, not being desirable enough. Where did I ever get the idea that a man is only going to want me for my body?
My mother told me once that even though I am skinny, I am thick at the waist - she told me this when I was pretty young, and I have thought about it on a daily basis ever since - examining myself in the mirror every morning, examining myself from behind before I walk out the door - trying to make sure that the shirt I have on lays just right over my hips/pants that I don't look like I have a bulge at the waistline. Scrutinizing my body - labeling myself negatively, my legs are too long and my torso too short - and that's why I look funny. Someone told me once that my hips were too big - not in proportion to the thinness of my body or my frame, even though I am tall - and I've never forgotten that either.
I don't spend a lot of time exercising, and I always eat - and for the most part, I have just been lucky when it comes to staying thin - and I wouldn't say that I have any kind of eating disorder - although, some would say that the way I approach food is undoubtedly disordered. I approach food like I do alcohol - somewhat obsessively, sometimes controlling. There are times when I eat and I don't think twice about it, and there are other times when I obsess over it - I count the calories, I write them down - trying to make sure I stay below a certain amount per day - calculating and recalculating how many calories I think I need to eat to maintain my current body weight versus lose 1/2 pound per week. Controlling what I eat is sometimes an irrational way to control the anxiety the plagues me. It's the OCD that I have mentioned before. I feel an impending sense of doom, therefore, I can't eat the dessert because something bad will happen if I eat it - my attention turns away from the impending sense of doom and towards food and my body - because this I can control. So I count, I obsess, I go shopping, I eat, I feel bad about it, I keep counting. Sometimes, every month or so, I try on literally everything in my closet to gauge how I am doing - did I lose weight, gain weight - how do they feel, do I look skinny enough?
And all of this is a problem why - I mean, like all things, I seem to manage it well, right? Well, yes and no - I manage it, it doesn't affect me like this on a daily basis, but it does affect me, and I want to be free of it. I am about to turn 30, am single, don't believe that I will find the right man to be with, and have a limited time frame in which to have children (which is important to me), before I unexpectedly lose my fertility earlier than I would have if I had never taken chemo drugs. I am operating on a limited time frame - an unpredictable time frame, and having to consider, at least on some level - what my options for having my own biological children alone might be, how this impacts my career, my chances of finding "him," oh, and the prospect of dying young and leaving my children behind with no parent (I can hear my sponsor's voice in my head saying, yes, but, we don't have to worry about any of this today...).
My self esteem figures into this how - because in a desperate kind of way - I just want to find the right person to be with. All I've ever wanted really, is for someone to want to be with me - because I equate this with whether I am a decent person or not. And my self esteem is poor enough, even still, that I believe that I have to look a certain way in order to find him. There is a part of me that believes that whoever wants to be with me - it will be because of how I look, and not the person that I am. Or it will be because I make a lot of money - or maybe both. It's like I believe that there are good people out there, who love people no matter what etc., it's just none of those people want to be with me. So I have to lose 5 pounds, buy new clothes, wear cuter shoes, carry a nicer purse etc. I have to be someone that I'm not, to make you like me, because you would never just like me. And if I don't find someone to want me, there is something wrong with me.
It is shocking that after going through so much in the past year, that I am sitting here, almost exactly the same. I look outside of myself for validation and self esteem. I care only slightly less what you think of me. The truth is - if we peel off all the layers surrounding my "marriage," the circumstances, AA, moving etc., the fact is this, I married the guy I was dating when I found out I had breast cancer, because I believed that no one else would ever want me again, after going through that - not knowing how it would deform my body. I divorced him, because in the end, I realized I would rather be alone, and struggle with my own self hatred, then be with him.
The fact is - that guy, the one who only really wants to be with me because of how I look and because I have a good job - he isn't the kind of guy I even want to be with at all, he is exactly the guy I don't want to be with - but he's the only one I'm going to attract. Because people always say you attract what you put out there. But what would it look like to suddenly stop caring about what I weigh, or what I eat, or how my clothes look? What I really want now, more than anything, isn't to find him, I simply want to not care if I don't.
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