This week was a pretty average week I guess - at least at work - well all around I suppose, except for my crazy emotional problems I seem to be having. Then again, it isn't out of the ordinary for me to have emotional problems. I was busy at work, but not overly busy. There is a lot of stress around work load though - too much, not enough, too much, not enough, too much and for the wrong person. There tends to be a lot of politics around work load and I sometimes feel like certain of us are hatching plans behind the backs of others and trying to make things work out just so. It screams of self-will, but it isn't just me - it's me and the partner I work for (while I try not to work for others, covertly, yet also blatantly) - and who knows what others are hatching. I hear some are making long term plans to leave while others are trying to jump ship to another group while I intend to ride it out. It causes me a lot of stress. I find though, that during a week like this week, things do work out the less I worry about it. Now long term is another story. I don't deal well with uncertainty and unfortunately the plan we hatched a while ago has no immediate solution. The only option is to go along for the ride. So, that's a long way of saying, I had a boring, and busy, average week of the same old stuff at work.
My weekend may be just as average and boring - although some of my friends are going out tomorrow night and I might go with them. They are going to a charity party/dinner for a non-profit here in Chicago that helps cancer patients and cancer survivors. I'd like to go - but mostly I feel too uncomfortable with myself and too self-conscious to go talk to a bunch of people I don't know. I really thought my self-esteem had improved - I mean, for a while there I felt comfortable doing stuff like that and actually enjoyed myself when I did. I just don't feel comfortable anymore. I don't know what happened. It's like I am sliding back down the mountain (and it's definitely a mountain and not a hill), instead of continuing to climb up it. I guess I was hanging out with people more for a while and I have basically been isolating myself lately - so maybe that's why I feel so uncomfortable with myself. Not sure. But I do know that I'm never going to meet anyone if I don't start doing things like this where I am around people outside of AA. I spend so much time with other AA people though, sometimes I think I have forgotten what it's like to talk to and relate to other people, normal people.
On the mood front - I feel a bit whacky. I don't know exactly how to explain what happened but I just don't feel right. I really want off of the Lexapro. I guess it helped with the anxiety, at first - but truthfully, I feel extremely anxious again - almost worse because it is a different kind of anxiety and I'm just not used to it. I don't know what to do with it - I mean the toaster is already unplugged!! Ha ha - I just need a little levity here! I almost feel paranoid. I feel freaked out. I feel depressed and blah all the time, unmotivated, sad, lethargic, indifferent, like I don't care about anything. Before I might have had mood swings, and I might have been anxious etc., but I would rather feel those things than feel like this. I would rather feel up and down and up and down and worried and anxious, as opposed to completely hopeless which is what I feel now. I feel hopeless. I feel hopeless and I don't care. Not a good combination. I want off of this and I don't like my doctor so I need to find a new one.
Anyway, on to the highlight of my week. So I did a little laundry tonight, ate dinner, ordered Showtime so I can watch the series Weeds when it starts (though there seems to be a bit of trouble with the Tivo - it doesn't seem to be picking up the Showtime channels through the listing - I am trying to re-download the program lineup now). I proceeded to settle into the dent I am wearing into my couch to watch Dawson's Creek re-runs - and to my pleasant surprise, I discovered a whole block of episodes I've never seen. How is this possible!!!!!!!
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