So my sponsor and I agreed to lay off on the 90 meetings in 90 days. It was causing me a lot of stress because of my job. Between my job, going to a therapist, going to a psychiatrist, going to the dentist, doctor's appointments - it's just really hard for me to go to a meeting every day. Basically I had decided to space out appointments with a therapist - because if I go to a meeting and to the therapist in one day, I lose 2.5 hours of my day (that valuable billable time), and I just can't do it - I just end up working even later than I already do. It seems like it might make sense to go to fewer meetings and more therapy appointments. It's about balance right? Can you guess what has happened since my sponsor and I talked about not doing the 90 in 90? I haven't been to a meeting since Wednesday. Now granted that's only 3 days without a meeting, but still. For the first 9 days of my commitment to do this 90 in 90 I went to 10 meetings - then between days 10 and 15 I only went to 1. Frankly I am extremely disappointed in myself.
I felt really good during that 9 day period, and now I don't. I'm full of excuses for not going - I have two friends in town this weekend. This is a bad excuse because they totally don't care and would have had no problem with me going to meetings. I am basically just really disappointed in myself.
On a related note, I started taking Zoloft on Tuesday and immediately couldn't sleep. On this drug I am tired from about 1 p.m. to 7 p.m., then wake up around 10:30, finally fall asleep, wake up at 1:30, wake up at 5:30 and then at 6:30 I when it is time to get up, I feel like I could sleep all day. I basically feel like I didn't sleep at all because the sleep I do get is not restful. I am frustrated enough with this that I feel like giving up. Both times that I have gone on a drug I felt pretty good when I went on it - anxious yes, but not depressed. I am trying these things for anxiety, not depression. The first time I ended up paranoid and depressed - this time, well, we'll see.
The problem is, I'm torn because I actually do feel anxiety relief. Even today, only 5 days later, I do feel noticeably less anxious. My doctor told me I would be able to tell on about day 5. The only way I can describe it is to say that the things that bother me are still there, they just don't bother me. It is nice not to feel anxious all the time, however, I feel like I'm just trading one problem for another. For some reason, for me, when the anxiety goes, so does the motivation. Is that normal? Already I feel myself not caring about things. My house is completely trashed right now, and all I want to do tomorrow after my friends leave, is lay on my couch and sleep as much as possible. So what if there is enough dust and cat hair under the dresser to knit my cat a sweater, I just don't care. So what if I'm behind at work, I just don't care. So what if I have errands to run, I just don't care. So what if I hate my life, I am unmotivated to change it.
Isn't there some kind of happy medium between depression, anxiety and motivation? I can't find it.
1 comment:
well if you ask me, I say you are tired, and maybe just laying on the couch for a few days would be good for you.
I have gone through periods of severe axiety. What worked for me, was taking care of myself. Taking hot bubble baths, reading uplifting stories, or watching uplifting movies, or tv... also rest, and as much as I could. The biggest key was practing relaxation techniques, of the mind and the body. It took a while, but I started getting releif from anxiety. I was able to overcome it. I learned that my anxiety was triggered by stress and not dealing with it. I also had hyperthyroidism, its where my body was producing too much thyroid hormone, and that was another factor in causing me these anxiety attacks.
Just the bottom line is to take care of yourself.
I hope you get some rest and feel better
Post a Comment