Mid-day blogging

I have this project I could be working on - but I can't seem to wrap my mind around it. It's complicated and I've been avoiding it. I just cleaned my whole office. I am actually really pretty busy, but I can't get the partner that I work for to pay any attention to me, which means the pile of questions that I have for him is lingering on the floor and I've got some time on my hands. Which is actually unusual. I wish there were a little more consistency. The past two days I worked until 8 p.m. (and I got here at 7:45 a.m. - long day), today I am cleaning my office and blogging. Hmm. Just watch, every thing will come undone thirty minutes before I need to leave early (5:45) to go to my favorite AA meeting.

Maybe the contents of my head are distracting me today. I have definitely had a hard time concentrating. So, I am going to vent. I thought, for a split second this morning, about taking public transportation. Then I drove. I really have a complex about this. I have way over analyzed it. I mean - it's hard to argue that I should be taking public transportation when I have calculated and re-calculated and determined that I only save $14-20 per week by not driving (it's a complicated analysis with several assumptions). I guess I didn't factor gas into it though. Hmm. Maybe worthy of a re-calculation. Except that you know I will keep driving and feeling lame about it.

My sponsor is pissing me off. She has actually succeeded in making me feel really bad about expressing stress and anxiety about my upcoming mammogram. She told me I am stuck in self-centered fear and that I should not be calling up people to talk about it - I should be calling up people and only asking questions about them. Now, I get the value of helping other people to get outside of yourself and to get relief from self-centered fear - however, we aren't talking about the kind of self-centered fear that makes you worry about what will happen if you can't save 100K for a down payment and what if you don't get the project you want to do at work, and what if no one ever wants to date you again (yes, these are some of the things I worry about when I lose perspective). We are talking about life and death, this is serious, I don't want to die young of cancer, a miserable and horrible painful death. I want to live, desperately. I'm terrified and she seems to think I shouldn't be expressing that. Well I disagree with her. You can bet I won't bother calling her to tell her I'm worried about it. That's not good - that I feel like I now can't tell my sponsor absolutely anything. She really did make me feel bad about it.

On a related note - please be careful what you say and think before you speak - remember you don't always know who you are talking to, or what their life experiences have been. There is a reason I don't like to share about certain things at AA meetings - like the fear and anxiety that I have about this mammogram. I like to deal with things myself - which I know isn't the best way - but I don't always deal well with people's responses/reactions or advice. Telling me to just not worry about it is a ridiculous and impossible solution. This girl said to me - well, we are all going to die eventually anyway. I thought, you stupid and incredibly insensitive bitch.

This morning I called someone an asshole while driving - so much for remembering to bless the person. He honked at me for not accelerating fast enough for him through the light. He deserved it. I told someone else (in my head of course) that they had a really stupid looking car. It's true though - he had a really stupid looking car.

My nephew and sister-in-law are coming home from Germany for a visit and I am so excited - I can't wait. I saw them in June when I went to Germany. This is my nephew (on my brother's and sister-in-law's blog). He is so cute. I can't wait to kiss his feet again and make him giggle. I've already bought him a whole bag of clothes and I am going to go buy him more, just because. I asked my brother if it was okay - cause I don't know if it bothers them that I like to buy him clothes and donate to his college fund - he told me it's fine as long as it doesn't require an extra suitcase to get back to Germany. Ha ha ha. I can't wait! I suppose I could ship things to him instead.

I have these lunch plans tomorrow that I am nervous about. It's so ridiculous. This isn't a date - but I've never met the guy and he is not an AAer. I guess since I stopped drinking, I stopped hanging out with "normal" people. Rarely do I find myself in social situations that aren't sober social situations or I am at least always with sober people. It isn't that I can't handle such situations or don't enjoy them (well, sometimes I don't, it depends), it's just that I can't remember the last time I had a conversation with a guy that wasn't program (and wasn't also an asshole actually) and didn't know the truth about me. I mean - there is a certain level of comfort when I am surrounded by other AA people that I don't find as much when I am with non-AA people and having to hide that part of myself. What makes this extra ridiculous is that this is not a date, and I've already spent way too much time thinking about what to wear. I need to wear flat shoes so I am not too tall (cause I'm pretty tall)...I mean seriously - I don't need to impress this guy. I'm just volunteering to help people through his organization. (Okay, I have a secret hidden agenda - I am at least hoping to expand the social circle of people that I hang around by participating in events etc. I need to do something besides work and go to AA meetings).

I tried Zoloft and had to go off of it a week after starting. I was so tired I couldn't function. Not to mention that I actually felt a lot worse on it. It brought me relief from all of the anxiety I feel, but quickly sent me into a depression. How can it be that I am more depressed on an anti-depressant? I think there is some merit to the argument that I am mildly bipolar, even though I don't ever reach the level of a true manic episode. Two nights ago I was hysterical, crying on my bedroom floor, writing that last post, begging God to help me - but last night when I got home from work, I thought - my life is great, everything is great - woohoo - things couldn't be better. Watch, tomorrow I will be devastated again. I've been seeking relief from this up and down and up and down and up and down - but I've always been this way. I'm used to it, but tired of it, but medication isn't working for me.

Damn, it's only 1:30. I thought surely I'd been blogging long enough that it would be 2 by now. I wonder if there are cookies left over upstairs from the partners meeting. I don't really want to go check though and be seen sneaking cookies by anyone coming out of the meeting.

Okay, well, I've run out of random things to say. I will add a little gratitude though. I am grateful that I am healthy (as far as I know). I am grateful that the sun is shining in Chicago today. I am grateful that I get to share some time with my nephew - who reminds me what it is like to be present in the moment. I am grateful that my favorite meeting is tonight. I am grateful to be sober. I am grateful for all of the people I have connected with through blogs!