It's funny sometimes how you go right back to a place you have been before - to a moment and a feeling, and it feels just the exact same way. I posted this post, called Living As If, about my life, about dying, about living, about the present, about being in the exact moment - last November. Well, I am right back there, this is exactly what I am feeling and I am suffering from a complete inability to wrap my mind around what happened to me.
And I posted this second post this May called The Day in Between. I am overwhelmed with sadness, and with regret.
I have a follow-up mammogram coming up - it isn't until September 6th, yet I am a wreck already. This isn't the first follow-up, it is the second one and I am wholly unprepared for what this feels like. There is a part of me that regrets the decision not to have a double mastectomy. I feel like I have left myself in a position to have this happen again, or worse, when I could have prevented it. All I can tell myself is that I made the best decision that I could at the time with the information that I had. But if I hadn't cared so much that no guy would ever want to be with me again, I might have made a different decision. If I hadn't felt so bad about myself to begin with and so ashamed of everything, I might not be sitting here crying. I literally don't think I can deal with this.
2 comments:
I wish I could give you a big, big hug. You know I am in spirit, don't you.
I did a story recently on a young woman poet with 2 small children who's going through what you're going through. I know there;s really nothing I can say that will comfort or make things less scary, but I can send a great blast of e-hugs and prayers.
There's something that makes us want to blame ourselves when something bad happens or might happen. But this is NOT YOUR FAULT. Not even a little. You made the best decision you could with the information and medical advice you had at the time. Period. No buts or ifs about it.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
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