The red shirt example

My sponsor was talking tonight about the principles behind the steps. Step 1 - acceptance, 2 - belief, 3 - faith. I don't know that I ever thought about the distinction before - between belief and faith. I suppose there is one - but if you look these words up in the trusty American Heritage Dictionary - my favorite college professor's all time favorite book - these words define each other. To have faith is to believe and to believe is to have faith. But I think that I get the distinction that my sponsor was talking about. I have a belief, the acceptance of something as true, but my faith, which is a belief that is not logical and doesn't rest on anything "provable" is a belief on a whole different level. People sometimes say it is believing in the absence of any reason to believe or sometimes in the face of evidence to the contrary. I suppose it makes sense that belief presupposes faith.

Anyway, you always hear people say that "fear is the opposite of faith" because if you have faith, you don't need to be afraid. I do find that my level of fear is directly related to my level of faith - this is definitely true for me. In my most "God centered" moments, I do not feel afraid. But not that long ago at a meeting someone gave a great lead on spirituality and he said that "certainty is the opposite of faith (as opposed to doubt), because if you are certain about something, you don't need faith." I liked this way of putting it.

The only reason I am thinking about this so much lately is because if I am so sure that I have come to believe, and that I have faith - then what am I doing writing this blog instead of doing what my sponsor has told me to do? It is really very simple. It is so simple that I find it painful that I am sitting here not doing it. "Remember that we deal with alcohol - cunning, baffling, powerful." My friend that brought me into AA used to give me this example (which turned out to be a bad example because I ended up having cancer) - he used to say, if you were told you had cancer, and all you had to do was wear a red shirt, and you would be cured, you would wear the red shirt wouldn't you? Yeah, this over simplifies things, but that's kind of the point. So my sponsor says do X, Y and Z. And I say okay, then I kind of lie about whether I am doing it or not, and then I decide to X and/or Y and/or Z, say I pick two out of three and then I do them in the wrong order.

Then it becomes painful enough (because doing Z and then Y doesn't work), that I decide to pay attention, that I think for just a moment, I might stop trying to do this my way, and I will try doing it her way - remember, "Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely." My sponsor is telling me that if I do X, Y and Z, I get to live and I get to have a life that is more amazing than I can even begin to imagine. So I question my faith, my belief - do I believe that what she is telling me is true? Yes. Do I have faith that it will work for me? Yes. Then why are you blogging? Why am I talking to myself? Ha ha.

All I can think about is the red shirt example. If all you had to do was wear a red shirt - you would wear a red shirt. Of course. I think about December of 2005 when I got sober and the moment of acceptance and surrender - we all have those moments of grace - it is in a moment of grace that we get here, to the program. That moment when you finally get it is a moment of grace and how many of those moments do you get to have, and if you are so lucky, what will you do with it? Wouldn't it be nice if all I had to do, is what I have done? But it isn't enough. I am painfully aware of that. And if it hurts so much, and I believe there is a way out then why the hell am I not taking the action she is telling me to take? I simply don't get it. I want what she has and I know how she got it and she is telling me how to get it, and I'm just sitting here. I'm sitting here on my bed, with the dictionary, my Big Book, my 4th step, and the Sermon on the Mount by Emmet Fox, which my sponsor has told me to read - trying to figure out why I am sitting here crying.

I have faith that is almost unshakable. But it isn't enough. "There is action and more action. Faith without works is dead." The real moment of surrender, the first surrender, was the moment I gave in and decided to do what my sponsor told me to do - I was two weeks sober and I told her I was going to kill myself, and she said to me, "so you are telling me that you are going to give up without even trying?" I honestly believed in that moment that no matter how I tried, it wouldn't work. So I said fine, I'll try - I'll do everything you tell me to do and I will prove to you that this program doesn't work - and to my surprise, it was like my whole world changed in 30 days. It felt like a small miracle. But I need to surrender again - I need another moment like that moment where I commit myself to doing anything - what I need is the willingness to do absolutely anything necessary to save my own life.

Can I just do what she is telling me to do - for the next 90 days? Can I do a 90 in 90, do what she is telling me to do with my 4th step, do what she is telling me to do with my 9th step, read this book? Can I just give myself 90 days - commit myself to it - 90 days - we are talking only 90 little days out of a life time. Just 90 short little days. If someone told you that you could have this amazing life, beyond your wildest dreams, that it would be more amazing and more joyous than anything you could ever dream possible and all you had to do was everything someone told you to do (for example, wear a red shirt and every three hours take off your shoes and hop around in a circle on one leg) for 90 days and this life could be yours and you absolutely believed that if you did these things that life you have always wanted would materialize before your eyes in the most miraculous way - you would do it right? Of course you would. You would do it while I'm still blogging about doing it.