Like riding in a wagon over a sidewalk with some huge cracks in it

My mood used to be more like a roller coaster ride. You are up and down and no plateaus really, and it's fast. Now it is more like riding in a wagon over a sidewalk with some huge cracks in it. It's a smooth ride sometimes - I get the plateau, I like it. And then wham, you are going a little to fast over the too smooth sidewalk and you hit a huge crack. These days, it's like that. The problem is, when I hit a crack, I don't snap out of it as quickly as my doctor wants me to. She says I should snap out of it in a day. It takes more like 5. I would say in the past 2 weeks, I haven't been very even. I've been mostly a little low and then I had two days of up, probably thanks to an unauthorized experiment with my medication. Ah well, what can you do - I don't always listen perfectly.

In any event, I feel still on the low side today so I called my doctor back. It might be time to add another drug. She said we could try adding a third one once these two level out. I keep feeling frustrated with this whole thing because it has been 3 months and I am still not leveled out; but I have to at least admit that my mood is significantly better than it was 3 months ago. I have to just remember that.

I'll take it

I feel better today than I did yesterday. Not perfectly even but so much better that I would almost call it even. In fact, let's just call it even. I'll take what I can get - even if it is just for a day. I'll take it. I'm learning to appreciate it when I get it, instead of worrying about what's going to happen when I lose it again.

Later I will go to the car dealership to scope out a new car. Yay!

Feeling alone again

Well, I am frustrated. I am frustrated, sad, upset, and I feel alone. I just feel really alone. How is it possible that I feel this alone? I am having a bad day, a hard time sitting here, a hard time doing anything. I can't motivate myself but I am restless at the same time. Which is just making me feel awful. This whole process of trying to get my meds right is frustrating. I once again had 8 really good even days and then dropped down again. Now granted, not as low as before, but low enough and it's been since Tuesday. I need this to be better than this. 4 plus days of depression after 8 days of even is not good enough. I need this to be better. But what do I do? Just wait I guess. I am frustrated because we up the dose of Lamictal and then after a few days I go the other way - too hyper, too happy, so we up the dose of Abilify, then I even out for 4, 9, 8 days, then I go down again, then we up the dose of Lamictal and then I go the other way...and so on. Instead of going up on Lamictal this time, I am going down on Abilify. 9 days of even is the record. Only 9 days. What am I going to do if this doesn't work? I am so exhausted by the whole thing.

Did I mention how alone I feel? Oh right, I did.

Equalibrium

Finally. I feel even again. As of yesterday. It's been oh, coming up on 3 weeks or so since I felt level. Finally yesterday/today I feel level. My doctor uppped my Lamictal last Tuesday to 200 mg. It's taken since last Tuesday for it to kick in. The unfortunate side effect of upping the Lamictal appears to be that I once again can't sleep. I can fall asleep. But I can't stay asleep. I wake up in the middle of the night, around 3 a.m. and am up for 2 plus hours. The thing is - I don't feel hyper or manic during those two hours, I feel calm and fine, I'm just awake. It used to be that I woke up and felt all out of whack - like I wanted to get up and clean and exercise and tear the house apart and reorganize the closet. I don't feel that way.

I've taken sleeping medication on and off for a while to deal with this. But I don't want to have to do that. I don't want to take Lunesta every night - though it works very well, most nights. I am worried about getting hooked on it in my head. It's not addictive (cause you know I worry about anything that is - though I never did drugs, I did take over the counter things in a recreational manner (Benedryl and other assorted things (did you know that those sometimes kill your appetite - my mother told me that back in the day, people used to take antihistamines as diet pills - that is not a good thing to tell someone who feels they need to lose weight - I am digressing))). Even when something isn't addictive, I get worried about becoming psychologically addicted to it. Especially when it has to do with sleeping, or making me feel out of it.

It seems to me that I slept better before I went on bipolar medication. Hmm. Makes it awfully tempting to go back off. Just to sleep normally. This is like drinking - you stop and then you go - well gosh, it wasn't that bad. I mean, I didn't drink that much - I didn't wake up in my own vomit that many times. I didn't "forget" what happened on a given night that many times. You just start to forget.

I am afraid I may be forgetting how bad my mood swingyness was there at the end. I need to remember that, otherwise, one day, I'll just unilaterally decide to go off. I wonder if this is like drinking in another way. When it comes to drinking - if you go back out, as we say - you don't go back to the beginning, you don't even necessarily pick up where you left off - you are usually much worse because alcoholism progresses whether you drink or not. That's why so many people, when they go back out, find that they destroy their lives in a very short time - much quicker than the time before. Or they end up dead. I know a lot of people who died when they went back out.

I wonder if this is like that - where you stop taking meds and find yourself much worse off than before. With drinking, it isn't worth finding out.

The 10 (or is it 12?) days of blah

I have been feeling blah for 10 or 12 days now. Now that I figured out what it feels like to feel even and in the middle, I can tell when I'm off pretty easily. And I've been off. It sucks because I was feeling leveled out for like 9 days and then I went down. It's frustrating. I've also been having bad anxiety for over a week - though that seems to have dissipated some today. Probably due to my follow-up mammogram, which although everything was okay - at first they thought they found a lump in each breast. Are those appointments ever going to get easier or go well? Sheesh.

Anyway, I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and we upped the dose on one of the meds I am on (I'm on two). That should fix it/help, but every time we up the dose I swing the opposite direction. So we'll see what happens this time - it's only been a day. I do feel a bit better today, but probably not due to the medication. It takes about 3 days and then I go way the other way, hyper, excited, overly happy, super optimistic. And two days later I level out. This is annoying. I just want it to be right so that I can feel like the normal people feel every day. Ugh.

As if I don't feel guilty, as if I am unafraid

Hey folks, so I am going to try to track my leave here on the blog. I mean my "holiday." I am calling it a holiday like my colleagues in Europe cause it sounds better. So let's officially start today. We will see how long this lasts - meaning me keeping up with posting about what's going on.

Today I went shopping since this is after all about me enjoying myself. Frankly though, this holiday is pretty expensive, so I need to curb the shopping.

Also, I am doing a little AA thing on myself that we call acting as if. AA people always say, you have to act your way into right thinking (cause you can't think your way into it). In other words, if you change your behavior, your thinking will follow. And when you are struggling with something - AA people will tell you to act as if. If you don't have faith, act as if you do. If you don't want to do something, do it anyway and act as if you want to, etc. Act as if.

So, I am acting as if I don't feel guilty (cause I feel guilty as hell about this holiday), and I am acting as if I am not afraid of this mammogram (and we all know how I really feel).

I'm sorry for scaring anyone and I am definitely not joking about what I said in that last post - (I turned it back into a draft by the way because I definitely do not want to upset anyone) - meaning I definitely do not take it lightly. It's very scary, very - the whole experience is scary beyond anything I can describe, and I just need to be honest about where my head goes because AA tells me to be honest about what goes on in my head. And in this case, the reason is so I will be protected in case anything goes wrong. That's why I told my doctor that - because I need to be protected from myself and I can't guarantee how I would react. So I'm just being careful. But you can be sure that there are people who would protect me and support me. I didn't have that the last time really, but I do now.

I do take it very seriously - that's part of the reason I went on meds, cause my low got too low and it scared the shit out of me to feel like I had no control over myself.

On that note though - we upped the dose of both of my meds 9 days ago and I am happy to report that I had about 6 days in a row where I felt level, even, in the middle, like normal people. It was awesome. AWESOME. Yesterday I had so much anxiety though and then I crashed a little and was a little on the down side. I've had no upswing at all really. Regardless though - we may have to up them again, but the meds are working. I feel like a different person.

The first day in nine days

Sorry that I keep going MIA. I just don't feel like writing I guess, or my thoughts have been too muddled to get anything out, and really, anything I have to say is boring anyway. That combined with the fact that I haven't been feeling great - mentally/emotionally, and as the date of my departure fast approaches, they are working me into the ground.

I have set a date - I am leaving early - not yet, but prior to August 1. I'm happy about it. The form is in. It is covered by FMLA and my short term disability. I should have gone a long time ago. But the guilt has prevented me. The thing is - I am the only one who feels like I don't deserve this time off. Everyone else thinks I deserve it. Even the people I work for have said that.

Though they seem to understand and not understand at the same time. Or maybe they just simply don't appreciate the seriousness of the situation - but that is partially because they don't know the details of what is going, nor do they need to. In any event, when I told them that I needed to leave early - the response was okay, but could you do 25 things first, this new project, finish those old three, wrap up these other six things... and I thought to myself - this is half of the reason I need out of here. I have the work load of two people and I can't get a break.

So, in preparation for my leave of absence, I will be working probably 12 hours a day until the day I leave and maybe some on the weekends also. I'm okay with it I guess.

Really my ability to handle it depends entirely on the day - or the hour sometimes. Today is the first day in nine that I have felt in the middle, even, dare I say, like a normal person. Last Thursday I went in the depressed direction and pretty low one day. And then on Tuesday-Thursday of this week I was the other way - hypomanic. Is the medication working? Why does this all seem so intolerable now? I still can't figure out what happened that I lost the ability to tolerate this fluctuation.

And then a funny thing happened Wednesday when I was hypomanic - I realized how much I love that feeling. It allowed me to be super productive, motivated, optimistic, happy, alive, mind racing, moving through tasks 1000 miles an hour, feeling like anything was possible, like I could do anything (sometimes the up is more of an agitated, angry, anxious feeling - not so great). I love it - the good kind of up. I love it almost as much as I love the numb feeling that I get from drinking. And it only really occurred to me yesterday, when briefly I had it and I realized how much I didn't really want to give it up. That up feeling - it's how I cope with the stress of my job. I get into the "zone" where I am able to work 14 hours a day 7 days a week for a few weeks on end. That's how I deal with it.

Thing is - work is that busy right now - with me trying to leave. But I can't get fully into the "zone" anymore.

So naturally what happened Wednesday is that I became obsessed with it. OBSESSED. The way a person becomes obsessed with the feeling they get from drinking in early sobriety. Where you think, I want it, I need it, I have to have it, I cannot live without it. It totally caught me off guard and surprised me that I would feel that way about the manic feeling. But why wouldn't I? Who wouldn't love that feeling? Plus, I am an avoider and it is a great distraction. I get numb when I get that way - numb to my other feelings that is. The obsession went so far that I started to think about the fact that even though I have told all these people I am on bipolar medication - I could simply stop taking it and just not tell anyone and continue to have my mood cycle the way it always has. Like every alcoholic I know sometimes thinks - but I could drink and no one would know. I won't of course stop taking it - I mean hell, I'm still waiting to see if it's going to work, I just thought about it. The up is really great - most of the time, though you don't always know what you are going to get. But the down - it's scary.

So what's going to happen now that I've lost my two favorite feelings in the world, and possibly my two best coping mechanisms?

The past nine days have been exhausting in some ways and almost intolerable. I am grateful for even one day of feeling "normal."

I'm trying but it isn't working

I'm trying to be okay until August 1st for my leave. Why? I don't know anymore. I'm trying but it isn't working.

I posted oh, almost two weeks ago about having lost control over my mood fluctuations. Okay maybe I never had total control over it - but in any event, what control I did have, I lost, suddenly. I actually scared myself. Anyway, I started taking bipolar medication going on 5 weeks ago now. I think it's working, but the truth is, I'm still having bad days when my mood is all over the place, out of my control and making me feel crazy. So I can't tell really. I had three days last week where I felt like wow - this is working. I think I feel like what a normal person feels like on a regular basis. Except that I don't have a normal to compare it to - but I thought that I felt something like normal.

That was Monday through Wednesday of last week. But since Thursday - I haven't felt great - up or down, crazy sort of, anxious, freaking out over things. And when I have days like that, days in a row, I think - why am I bothering to take this crap - it isn't working. I might as well stop taking it. I'm trying to hold out because I know that it takes a long time to build up to the right dose on one of the drugs - but my patience is wearing thin. But then again, if i stop taking it, then what happens - I just stay the same? I'd be in the same boat. Is it actually maybe a little bit better now than it was? It only feels like it some days. I've had 4 days in a row that haven't really been good. I can't tell if this is working and I am frustrated.

So I haven't felt like posting and I don't really have anything to post about.

I've needed to go out on my leave since the beginning of June. Actually make that since the beginning of February. Some people have been encouraging me to just go early - g0 now - and I think they are right, it's just that I haven't been able to get myself to out of feelings of guilt and other things. The thing is, there is no good time for me to go - there is always going to be more work, deadlines, projects that only I can do, supposedly, there is always going to be just one more thing. Are they going to let me go? I look at the calendar - the number of days left until August 1 - and think about the projects that need to be moved forward, concluded, shifted to someone else. August 1st would be tough, so why not go now? I know what to do, just go - but why can't I get myself to? It makes me feel like crying.

The truth is, I don't feel good about waiting. I don't feel good about going to work tomorrow.

Why now? As opposed to when?

I admit that things are not going well in terms of keeping it together at work. That would be an understatement. I guess I should say, things are not going well in terms of keeping it together just generally - work is just one thing that is being affected. My mental state is the other and that means everything is being affected.

I knew when I agreed to wait to take time off that it would not be easy. I did not realize just how not easy it would be. I should have known because I have needed time off since the very end of January. And I've now been waiting 5 months. This is no longer about needing to deal with the fact that I had breast cancer and how to live my life in spite of that.

I did not know that every unresolved issue that I have was going to be brought to my attention in the interim while I waited, that I would lose control over my mood swingy issues or rather that the illusion of control would be so suddenly removed, or that what once worked to numb me out (my job) would inexplicably stop working.

I'm cracking. Under the weight of everything - my childhood, what happened to me, the stress of my job, my mood swingyness that is not worked out and feels intolerable. I'm just cracking under the weight of it. I have days, seriously, where I feel like I am going crazy. Where I feel like someone else.

And I don't understand why this is happening to me. Why now? Why at all? I was so good in a crisis situation and under pressure - I don't know what happened that I now can't keep it together, even in my own head, in the midst of what is seemingly a non-crisis. I don't know why I can't get my shit together and figure this out. All I know is that I need to go on leave. I need to go before I come completely undone. I need to go now - but I am having all kinds of guilt about it and feelings of not deserving it - feeling bad about it, worrying that they will be mad that I couldn't hold out (because I agreed to wait until August 1) or mad that I need more than 4 weeks. So I try to hold out and it becomes ever more intolerable. It's not good folks.

I don't know what to do.

The extremes of me

I have always lived in the extreme.

In terms of my thinking - it is very all or nothing, black and white. Things are or they aren't, the explanations are simple, not complicated. There is little room for interpretation. There is no in between, ever. It is either a success or a failure. It is only after having been in AA for a while that I have come to appreciate the varying shades of grey that is life sometimes and the fact that we do things for reasons that are complicated, that most things are complicated. That there are more than two sides to every story and that we may both be right.

And I also live in the extreme in terms of my mood, my emotions. I am up or I am down. Never in the middle, ever. It is only very recently that I have realized that I might not even know what in the middle is or what it feels like. I've been asking people to describe it to me - and what they describe is something I am utterly unfamiliar with.

If you've been reading this for any length of time, then you know how my mood sometimes changes on a dime. I don't always post about it, but I have. The way that I go from everything is wonderful to why am I alive at the drop of a hat. It is literally like flipping a switch. It is unpredictable and unexpected. The floor drops out from underneath me and I find myself in a place where I am unsure whether I can continue to live. And the next thing I know - everything is wonderful again.

When everything is wonderful - I feel great, I feel alive, I feel motivated, I am productive, energetic, I feel like I can do anything, sometimes I have a hard time sleeping, sometimes a hard time concentrating - I'm just trying to do too many things at once. Sometimes I can't shut my head off and it races like it is trying to do 25 things at once. And then on the flip side, I wonder why I am alive. I feel like nothing will ever be okay and that my life is pointless and everything is hopeless. I feel like I will not make it and like I cannot get myself out of it.

And so I go back and forth between these two extremes - sometimes it only takes 24 hours. I wake up with the everything is wonderful attitude and by the time I go to bed I am devastated and crying on the floor. Sometimes it is a 3 day cycle. Sometimes a few weeks. And I think I have had a few stretches that have been longer. It's hard to say really - I have been this way since I can remember so I would say since I was about 15. It is the only way I know how to live.

It has become predictable over the years, only in that I know that following an up will be a down, the down will involve something like a crash and that the higher the high, the lower the low.

I have resisted doing something about this until now. Just because. It's just the way that I am. Denial is a powerful thing.

Why now? Well, something changed. It happened just the way it did with drinking. I thought I had such great control over drinking (little did I know that exercising such extreme control over it is an alcoholic thing to do). And then one day, I just lost it- I lost the control that I had. It was gone, suddenly and without explanation I lost my ability to control how much I drank.

All these years I thought I had such excellent control over my mood - not that I had any control over it - but that I handled it well. Something happened and I don't know what, but my ability to handle it is gone. It has become intolerable. The up leaves me feeling totally out of control and so does the down. The up is too far up and the down has become dangerous. That's what has been going on these past several weeks that I have hardly posted. Emotional upheaval, realizations and trying to figure out what to do about it. What is the truth about this?

This may come as a surprise to the people who read this who know me. Because although they may know that I tend to fluctuate in terms of my emotions - I don't think anyone has ever been aware of just how extreme it really is sometimes. How extreme, or how dangerous. I have mostly lived alone for the past 10 years so no one really has a view into this part of me. No one is around to watch and because it changes so quickly and I don't always talk about it , in fact I talk about it very little, well, no one really knows what goes on with me.

Well, I was talking to someone about it, about my mood fluctuations, right in the midst of my apparent and sudden inability to deal with it - maybe being totally honest about it for the first time ever with anyone. I realized just how not normal it is - because see, I always thought that my up mood was the way that other people felt when they felt normal and happy - turns out it isn't. So to make a long story short, well, I am trying bipolar medication. My doctor says that what I describe is bipolar type II, but rapid or ultra ultra rapid cycling. I think I have always known this, but resisted being labeled. Probably because it is like being an alcoholic - it's a problem that does not go away, that only gets worse and that you have to do something about. And I can attest to the fact that yes, indeed, it has gotten worse over the years.

I did try 3 anti-depressants/anti-anxiety drugs in the past year for anxiety - two a year ago and one recently with the bipolar drug and I can't take them. We tried it originally because it was not obvious to the first doctor whether the up that I described was truly an up or just anxiety. Those drugs send me way up towards the manic side of things or make me borderline suicidal. My second doctor said yeah, those drugs do that to some bipolar people. So I can't take them.

And here's the thing - I said okay I'll try it - I think largely on the same theory that I went to AA on - sure I'll go to AA, I'll go to prove that I am not an alcoholic. Yeah, that wasn't what happened. So under that same theory, I said okay - thinking that the medication wouldn't work, I would be proven not to be bipolar and I could what? Go back to dealing with it cause it's the way I am and no medication can fix it? I don't know - I was too desperate to think that far ahead. Desperate. I was desperate for some relief from what was becoming dangerous and totally out of my control.

And shit people, the bipolar medication is working.

The truth about me

I remember when I first got sober, a friend said to me - you seem to be struggling with what is and isn't the truth about you. The question of course was whether I was or wasn't an alcoholic which ultimately does not initially depend on whether I believe it to be true. I either am or I am not and no amount of thinking I am not can make it so if I am. My sobriety obviously depends on me believing it, but that doesn't change the fact of it. I am either in acceptance or in denial. You still have the problem regardless, it's just that if it is true and you accept it, you get to do something about it - you get to be in the solution as we say. But you still have the problem regardless of denying it. Denying something doesn't make it go away. Really? Hmm.

I'm thinking of this only because I am having a similar internal struggle but it is a different question. I ultimately obviously did finally concede to the fact that I do in fact belong in AA. I eventually achieved that acceptance over what turned out to very definitely be the truth about me. But it wasn't easy necessarily to get there. It took a while.

And I remember my friend saying to me that it is like a weight lifting off of you when you finally concede it and surrender yourself to the truth - you feel like - what a relief to know what is wrong with me and that there is something I can do about it. At least you know there is a solution and you don't have to live the way you were living anymore.

This thing that I am having an internal conflict over - it is a question of what is the truth and a matter of accepting it. And it is or it isn't the truth. I either am or I'm not. It is or it isn't a problem, regardless of my denying it.

Have I? Run out of options?

Sorry again for not posting more regularly. I've been going through a bit of emotional upheaval and just haven't been able to post in the midst of it. (But I will post about it soon). It's just that sometimes, everything comes to a head all at once. And I do mean literally, every, last, little thing. All. At. Once. And I am in agony. It is the agony of running out of options. It is the jumping off point as we say in AA - it is the moment when you surrender, finally, completely and entirely. Why? Because you have run out of options. Have I? Run out of options?

The only solace is the fact that the most progress, spiritual and otherwise, follows on the heels of excruciating pain. I know because this has been my experience in sobriety. The greatest progress comes from the greatest pain.

At the AA meeting tonight, someone said something that stuck in my head. Well two things. That the fundamental point of Step 1 is to turn around and face it. That you have to walk into it, directly. And that you have to surrender to have any hope of grace.

Face it. Walk into it. If you are looking for me, I'm headed in that direction.

From sad, to fine, to devastated, to happy, to sad, to fine

I'm back.

As I said, I had a horrible week. I can't really put my finger on why, or tell you what was wrong about it even. It just wasn't good, in any way. Well, one thing did happen on Monday that I can't blog about, which threw me for a bit of an emotional loop (which may still be having an impact on me). But I was on a roller coaster ride anyway it seemed - the week before this week also. In two weeks I have gone from sad, to fine, to devastated, to happy, to sad, to fine, to not okay, to okay, to so so, back to fine, devastated, fine, hopeless, okay, all mixed up with some anxiety, a little OCD and a serious inability to concentrate on anything at all. I've been on this day or two day turn around of my emotions. It's exhausting actually. It's sometimes a bit difficult to live like this. At least this week it has been.

It's not uncommon for my mood to cycle like this, I've blogged about it and how I've never gotten to the bottom of it really - it just seemed, I don't know, not right this week, maybe more uncomfortable to sit through, pretty bad I guess. Then again, from my own perspective, it's hard to judge because how would I know really - it's just what I'm used to. I've been this way since I can remember. Is it bad, I don't know? Is it out of the ordinary, I don't know? If you asked the person I've been talking to on instant message all week, she would probably say, uh, yeah, bad.

I don't think it really normally cycles quite this fast - I just feel all out of whack - I still feel out of whack. Sometimes my mood is pretty even (for a few weeks or maybe a few months at a time). So it can be very confusing. When it' s all out of whack I start to get worried and think I need to do something about it. When it's relatively stable I don't think I need to. The bad part doesn't last, but neither does the good part. I've never gotten to the bottom of it - I've always just dealt with it. I tried Lexapro briefly a year ago and although it was good for a few weeks, I got really depressed on it so I freaked out and then gave up trying to do something about it. It's easy to talk myself out of exploring whether I might be able to not feel this way, because well, when I feel good, I feel really pretty good.

And work didn't go well this week. And I can't put my finger on what wasn't going right there either. I was busy, but not that busy. I felt extremely busy for a day or two in the past two weeks, but things are manageable. I just don't know what is wrong. Projects were not going well, they were taking too long....

But on a positive note, I am doing a good job of setting boundaries at work. And, I went and walked on the treadmill tonight when I got home. That's the first time I've exercised in 4 months.

The unstress of it

My job has taken a turn for the unstressful - or I've had a dramatic shift in perspective. I think it's the former. All last week I left early every day, mainly because I was sick, and took a day off. This week, it's just not that busy. I mean, I have work, but it's not piling up in front of me. I'm not complaining about being less busy - I'm rather enjoying it actually. And I wouldn't even mind if it lasted all through the summer, right through my leave. The only problem is that when things slow down, I lose all motivation. I become bored instantly. If I'm not drowning under work and feeling the pressure of multiple deadlines, I am a lot less efficient. It's just the way I am. In fact, I am sometimes known to really slack off when things slow down just to create some artificial time pressure.

So my last post I thought I was slipping into depression. And then the past couple of days I thought I wasn't. I actually felt really pretty good - almost too good actually - so good that something maybe wasn't right about it. I was going to post about it. But my mood changes so quickly that I can't keep up with posting about it. It's like I blink and it's not the same. Anyway, I didn't sink as low as I expected to. The only thing I can attribute this too is an all day (literally all day) instant message conversation with another blogger which a) kept me occupied, b) laid all my problems/issues out in front of me almost painfully clearly, c) made me think it isn't as hopeless as I sometimes think it is, d) made me realize that I have made more progress on some things than I think I have and less on others, e) made clear that I am suffering more than I should be, definitely, and causing myself a lot of pain, and f) made me think maybe it's time to, you know, try something different. It's now people. I need to do something now. And I felt really good for a couple of days. Really good. But it didn't last.

Today, I just feel blah again. Maybe not hopeless about my life. Not quite.

Anyway, I am unstressed, kind of blah, unmotivated, slightly bored. Sinking maybe again.

I had a really weird experience today. I went to the dentist and she had to numb me to do some stuff. Well, typically I refuse to go that route at the dentist and I tolerate the pain. I have let my teeth be drilled into before without being numb. I kind of think I have like an out of body experience when I've done this. It's like I'm not really present or something, I mean, it's weird, but you sort of have to maybe enter another state of being to tolerate the pain. Anyway, I went the other route this time. It made me sick. I was dizzy, I felt like I couldn't breathe. I'm not allergic to it. It was weird. When I got up, I almost passed out. I was walking to my car and I had to sit down, that's how close to passing out I was. I was driving home and I could barely stay awake. I got home, sat down and fell asleep almost instantly. Weird.