Processing it, not processing it

I've decided that I'm trying too hard and putting too much pressure on myself to process this business of having had breast cancer. It's been three years since I was diagnosed (that's almost impossible to believe) and I have yet to "process" it, whatever the hell that is supposed to mean. Different things to different people I am sure. If I think about it for a split second, I burst into tears, mostly it is the overwhelming fear that gets a hold of me. If I ignore it, I am sort of fine. I can sometimes escape the fear and anxiety that plague me if I pretend it didn't happen and try to live like it won't happen again. I think this is the best route for me, simply forgetting it ever happened. It's the only way that living with it is possible. So I've decided that for me, processing it means not processing it at all. I think I have processed it to the extent I am able. So enough is enough. I've gotta move farther on, some how.