Fine but not like I expected

So I walked in the Relay for Life cancer walk in Dexter Michigan on Sat. Remember before I was worried, would I be upset, would I be fine, no idea? It turns out I was fine. There was one moment during the survivor walk that I could have cried if I had allowed myself to, but of course I didn't. Overall it was kind of weird actually. I was on a large team of people and it felt sort of awkward because the only two people I really knew were the organizer of the team and my cousin. I didn't know anyone else. Everyone else around my age on the team were coupled and all had kids who were there for all of the kid activities. And then there was me. Feeling mostly uncomfortable and very much like an outsider as much of the activity and conversation surrounded children. And even when it didn't, I still felt like I didn't belong there. I'm a pretty quiet person - not necessarily one to strike up conversations with random people. The result was that not that many people talked to me at all really. I just sort of felt like I was there. By the end of the night I really just kind of wanted to go home early. I just sort of felt like I was done. It was emotionally draining even though I didn't have much emotional reaction to it, if that makes sense at all. And it's difficult sometimes to be surrounded by people with children like that. It's hard to pretend like the conversation is interesting sometimes and you have nothing to offer to it. I didn't mean to seem disinterested I just didn't have anything to say.

In some ways I am not surprised that I didn't have a strong reaction to it, it's just not really me to publicly display emotion. The whole thing felt sort of weird to me. It wasn't what I expected it to be, either good or bad. It was something entirely different. Despite what it felt like or how it seemed at times, I was happy to be a part of something so important even though it's not really my kind of thing. I wish I could connect with people more over having been through something similar, but I can't seem to. Like I had said before, maybe I have processed it already in the only way I am able to. And maybe the way I deal with it is the right way for me, or the only way for me. Not sure.

And yes, I know, it wasn't about me or how I felt, I'm just reflecting on how it felt to me to participate in something like this for the first time. I don't know how to describe it really except that it wasn't what I expected in any way.

This isn't the first time recently that I've been reminded about expectations. I feel like something is pointing me towards changing them. More on that later.