There was a bit of a family emergency in Michigan this week. My grandmother fell and broke her knee cap and when she got to the hospital they found out all sorts of other things were wrong with her (blood pressure, heart problem, blood sugar). As awful as it is to say, it may be a blessing that she fell (though the people trying to take care of her right now would probably disagree at the moment) because the rest of the problems would have gone undetected since she hasn't been to the doctor in 20 years. My dad's family sort of doesn't believe in going to the doctor.
Anyway, I made a whirlwind trip to Michigan, - went tuesday came back thursday - to see my grandmother and to try to be helpful. Though I turned out to not really be helpful at all. There wasn't really a need for me to be there, at least not during the time I was actually there - my dad and my aunt seemed to have it covered pretty well given their general lack of coping skills. But I saw my grandmother and that was good, just in case, you know.
Before I say this, don't get me wrong - I am not saying money or hours are more important than my grandmother or helping people when they need help - that's not what I am about to say. My spur of the moment absence from the office cost me 30 billable hours, which when you are already behind and trying to catch up, 30 lost hours is hugely significant. It changes the game. What was once difficult but possible has become most likely an impossibility.
Of course I don't know how things would have gone anyway. I don't know at this point whether the partner has the work to keep me busy, regardless, it is unlikely that I can make up an extra 30 hours without going way above and beyond what feels reasonable and doable. It was hard enough already in January and February to be on track for making it up - working every weekend to keep up. To find an extra 30 hours in the time that is left is just not possible for me.
My raise of course and my bonus are in jeopardy because I won't hit 2000 hours and these things are tied closely to our hours. I have absolutely no idea how the chips are going to fall on this one. Besides, they have changed our compensation policy such that I don't even know what I am working for. I don't know what the reward is which means I can't calculate whether it is worth it in the first place or not. I was doing it because the partner wanted me to, not because the calculation came out in favor of it. It used to be that we were guaranteed a certain amount of money for a certain number of hours and you could easily make the determination for yourself what is and isn't worth it. But with the way things are now, I don't even know what I am working for (which to me cuts in favor of not trying to hit it instead of the other way around).
I just don't know and I don't know how many hours I am going to come up short. I warned the partner that I lost three days worth of time and he didn't react except to say that March has extra days, though I can assure you it does not have enough extra days to make up for it. I have crunched the numbers every which way but one. That one that I didn't crunch involves giving up a trip to Vermont to see my new nephew. Maybe I am shooting myself in the foot. But what is the difference between coming up 30 hours short and 20 hours short? I am not sure there is one. Short is short. And regardless of this trip to Michigan, I might have come up short anyway. I can't really blame it on the trip to Michigan because I just don't know. But what I do know is that this trip sort of sealed the deal.
I don't know whether to be upset about this or whether to feel relieved because the pressure is off. Or whether to go ahead and try to do it anyway despite what I feel like I am giving up to do it. Am I still under pressure, just more pressure? All of the effort that I put into January and February is now for nothing. Do I try to get as close as possible, give up my trip to Vermont and my weekends all for what is uncertain anyway?
So I am calling it - game over.
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