This isn't working for me

This isn't working for me.  It's my blog and it isn't working for me.  It isn't working because I can't talk about what is really on my mind or what is really going on or how I really feel.  I am posting out of intense frustration.

I can't talk about my job but I also can't not talk about my job.  I know that I said that I didn't want to talk about it.  And I don't.  For years I said nothing about it.  But right now, it is consuming me.  It is the only thing going on right now.  Incredible stress at work and trying to sneak out the door to climb.  Those are the two things I have going on right now.  Stressed and sneaking out.  Which first of all, why I am sneaking anywhere?  Frankly, I wish I had something else to talk about, but this is pretty much it for the moment folks.  Freaking out at work and desperate to climb with the occasional lunch or dinner plans on the weekend.  Sorry, I don't have anything more interesting.

And like I've said before, the reason I have never talked about it until recently is because I don't want to be perceived as complaining about it.  And to me it's not complaining, it's venting, which is something different and sometimes you just need an outlet.  To me it is more like thinking out loud, you know, kind of trying to work out in my head how I feel and what I think and trying to figure out what to do.  And this beats wandering around the house talking to myself, right?  I mean at least this way I am kind of talking to someone other than myself.  Right?  And if you think I am complaining about something I should be grateful for, well go right ahead and think it (just don't bother to leave me a nasty comment again because I already know how you feel and don't care).  You have no business judging me and I can't change your perception anyway.  So if you think I am complaining and it bothers you, well, feel free to go elsewhere, quietly.  Whatever.  It's my blog and it's not working for me to feel like I can't talk about what I need to talk about here.  So I am going to talk about it because it simply isn't working to feel like certain topics are off limits or like I can't get my feelings and my frustrations, valid or invalid, out.

So, where does that leave us?  Well for one thing, the lull didn't last very long and I am completely stressed out and pissed off right now so it is probably better to go into the details later when I am trying to work it out in my head rather than going into right now.

I can tell you that I crunched the numbers, yet again, and yes, it is still possible for me to hit 2000 hours (ugh), however, I have to bill 10.7 hours per day for 38 of the next 40 work days.  Fuck that, that isn't going to happen.  I've already fucked it up for the week by billing under that.  And guess what, I don't care.

Also, I have indeed decided to take the trip to Vermont and "lose" two more days at work, because fuck it.  In the scheme of things this stress about work is so unimportant in comparison to other things.  I need some better perspective here.  I still have a lot of things to work out about how I feel about work.  But for right now, fuck it is the attitude I am taking as I try to gain some perspective about it.

And lastly, for now, Friday I have a 4:30 appointment with that god damn overhang at the climbing wall.  And I refuse to miss it.