The other day the partner told me that he is putting into motion the process of hiring a junior associate - a first year - for our little group. Someone we can train. He openly admitted that he wants a gunner, someone brand new who wants to work late every night. Honestly, he will probably be able to find one of those amongst all the incoming first years who don't have placements within the firm yet. They always want to impress, they are always willing to work late. Except for the occasional fuck up. I think he has clued in a bit to the fact that I am not willing to work the way I used to (late that is).
This is all a part of his grand plan. We train a first year into a midlevel, he becomes equity partner and I become partner. What he doesn't know (or maybe he does know), is that I am about to throw a wrench in his plan.
Probably one of a couple of things is happening. Either he is putting the wheels of his plan in motion, or we are so busy that we absolutely have to have another person and it only makes sense to start with a new one. He said he is turning away work because we don't have the capacity to do it. We don't need another senior level associate (personally that would help me), we have two of those. It only makes sense to start with someone we can train. But ugh, training someone is painful. Anyway, one of those two things is happening, he is trying to push his plan forward, or we are so busy that we just need another brain. Or possibly a third thing is happening. He might be on to me. He might know that any day now I am going to sit down in his office and tell him that I am reducing my hours, thereby throwing the wrench in his plan.
I hate to make it sound like I am really important, because the reality is, if I died today, they would find a way to get the work done. But still, without me, his operation grinds to a halt. If I reduce my hours, well, we are all screwed. So maybe he knows, maybe suspects, maybe he is trying to get another pair of hands before I do it. I'm not sure. I think he is probably not on to me actually. I think he is probably clueless about this for the most part. Unless HR told him which they weren't supposed to do. I think he realizes that I am, for one reason or another that he doesn't know about, unwilling to work late anymore. And I think we legitimately do need to train a new person. It's just that his grand plan that he is trying to execute on - at some point - I am going to have to tell him I don't want to be a part of the plan. It's just that I can't tell him that now. I have to act as if this is what I want. Reducing my hours though would also slow me down for making partner.
I don't want to be a partner. I want to stay a senior associate forever. Work the hours I want to work, keep my workload manageable and be left alone. I'm willing to work reasonable hours, and I'll do the work. I'll get it done and I will do it well, correctly, on time. But I just don't want to be partner. And if I have to leave at some point to avoid it, I guess I'll leave. What usually happens is if people last this long, and decide to leave for a company, it is right before they make partner. It is a prime time to go in house.
I feel bad about it though. Whether it is now or later, I am screwing the group over. And I feel a bit of loyalty to this group of people. They were great to me when I had breast cancer, they gave me my leave of absence with no difficulty, the person I work for is nice and for the most part, easy to work for, he is laid back and never stressed. He's never said a word to me about the time I take off, the days I leave early, the days I want to work from other states. I can't really say that there has been too much bad about my job. Yes there are continuing communication problems and yes the pressure about hours these past 4 months has been difficult to deal with, but all in all, I can't say much bad about this job. So whatever I do, and whenever I do it, I am going to feel bad about it. That is probably part of the reason I haven't been able to get myself to do it - to tell him I am reducing my hours. I keep delaying because I feel bad. But I have to watch out for myself right and do what is best for myself, right? Even if it isn't the best for the group?
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