The "experience" day two part 2: the lies we tell and the secrets we keep

There could be a part 3, part 4, part 8 - who knows.

We talked about guilt versus shame.  I did something bad versus I am bad.  My entire childhood used to be one big bad secret.  It had an element of keeping up appearances.  No one can know what really goes on behind closed doors.  My mom's alcoholism was a secret although I know now that there were family members who probably knew.  Behind the doors we were not a family but we pretended on the outside.  At least I did.  I kept it a secret because it was embarrassing and humiliating.  Probably wrong emotions but the emotions of a kid who can't understand in an adult way what is really going on.  So I kept the secret.  But what I know now, and I know it from AA - it is your secrets that will ultimately kill you.  You are as sick as your secrets as they say.  I remember my dad in the summer time yelling at my mother and I to stop yelling or the neighbors would hear us.  How ironic.

I still carry a lot of shame about my childhood.  For the longest time it was very hard to talk about.  Even though I know now that I did nothing wrong.  It is embarrassing regardless of whether or not it was my fault.  My mother was mean to me when she was drunk and she wasn't particularly nice when she was sober either.  She told me she hated me, many many times.  And I blamed myself for that.  I thought if I could just do something right then she would stop hating me.  But it didn't matter what I did she drank anyway and she treated me terribly regardless.  I spent most of my childhood hiding in my bedroom.  My mother was a terrible mother.  There is no denying that.  She will even admit to it.  I didn't realize until I was an adult just how awful my childhood had actually been.  I guess years of pretending makes you forget.

So we were talking about shame and I was trying to get to the bottom of the feeling of shame that I have, the embarrassment that I still feel.  The facilitator challenged me to think about whether the shame is mine or my mother's.  Obviously it is my mother's.  I don't feel ashamed anymore.

The "experience" day two part 1: nearly crying in the van

It was the strangest thing.  We got into the van, all 11 of us, on our way to the experience, and I nearly burst into tears.  I can't really explain why but I think it is because I knew what I was walking into.  Most people had no idea.  I spent a little bit of time last year with the "facilitator" I guess we will call him, and I knew that what I was walking into was a world of pain so deeply rooted that it's hard to even dig it up.  It is the kind of thing that is so painful and so deeply rooted that you find a way to be numb to it, yet at the same time, it affects everything about your behavior.  You may not even realize it.  And even though the facilitator says he isn't psychic, and of course he isn't, he finds away to dig it up with just a word.

I wish that I had had the chance last night to reflect on what happened yesterday.  I think it would be a great exercise to reflect on it right after it happens and then after having a chance to think about it.  Last night when it was over I had a migraine and then a spa service so I just didn't have a chance to write.  I made a list though of the things we talked about with respect to me specifically so that I could really think about it and write about it.  So I will try to do that later - I'll try to write about today right after it happens.

But in the mean time I will say one thing, you learn as much from watching other people go through the process with the facilitator as you do going through it yourself.  Learned behavior, faulty belief systems - sometimes they really can be changed with the snap of your fingers.  It is incredible to see a person "get it" if you know what I mean.

More later...

The "experience" day one: starting from a disadvantage

I know I still haven't told you what the "experience" is.  Only a handful of you know - people I know in real life.  I may tell you what it is or may never tell you.  But I will tell you what happens.  Those of you who were reading my pre-trip posts know that this is the reason I am here.

I can tell you that day one has already opened my eyes to something that I know to be problem in my life.  I have known it to be a problem for a long time but I am acutely aware after last night just how it is affecting and preventing my relationships with other people.  And also realized that despite my inability to be truly close to anyone or form close relationships with anyone, I do want to figure out how to do that.  It is necessary.  Because how different life could be if I wasn't living it all alone.  I can't actually say I am close to no one because there is a person I am really close to and that is terrifying to me because of a fear of being abandoned and blaming myself for the abandonment - sorry I am off track - this is a topic for another day.

Part of the experience involves the ability to tell the truth.  The ability to put it all out there.  The ability to share your secrets and your fears.  The ability to be completely open.  I have historically been unable to do that with a few exceptions.  There are definitely some people that I have felt instantly comfortable with and that I let in a little.  Little by little but always carefully.  This experience depends upon the ability to first share your issues.  But I have an issue with sharing my issues.  I have an obstacle.  Nearly everyone else broke down crying and I was very emotionally flat, protecting myself.  Although this inability to tell my secrets feels like an insignificant problem (If I could get to them, I have bigger problems in comparison), it is actually huge.  If I can't get it out there I can't get it resolved.  I am at a disadvantage.

Zip zip zipping

I am zipping again today.  I can't resist.  I feel guilty going again because it means someone else can't go since they only take 8.  But isn't that true of anything that I sign up for here?  There are only so many spaces.  They only take so many people for every challenge.  I guess I feel bad about this one in particular because it is new and popular.  I was going to cancel and see if there was still a space this morning and then sign up last minute, but the guy I was talking to in guest services when I went to cancel was like just go - don't feel guilty.  So I am going.

I wanted to go again partly just because it is fun.  But also because unlike a lot of the other challenges on the course, I think I will actually get more out of this one the second time.  The first time I was so caught up in the safety of it and whether I was going to end up on the desert floor I sort of missed that moment of really being in it meaning I think I missed the fun of it.  You are present as you climb the 50 foot tower and you are as you stand there in the wind (it was really windy yesterday) and you think about falling off (even though you are tethered), but you aren't present in that moment when you jump unless you really try to be.  So many things were running through my head before I jumped.  I had that hesitation.  I guess I was present right up until that moment and then when I jumped I wasn't present anymore. My head was elsewhere - probably still wondering if I was going to some how end up on the ground.  I forgot to really enjoy it to fullest extent.

It goes so fast that it is easy to miss it.

There is only one way off the mountain and a post about zip lining

I guess technically there are two ways, because sometimes you hike it out.  But if you are going to climb, then you have to repel.  I could climb hundreds of feet and be fine, and then when it's time to repel back down I hold on to the rope for dear life as if I have any control at all.  I have no control.  My belayer has basically complete control over my descent.  But I tense up and grip the rope with all my force when really I should be able to just relax back into my harness and walk my feet down the side of the mountain.  I'm never able to do that.  It is hard to relax into the feeling of not having control.  That moment when you have to repel in order to climb up, that step backwards over the edge gets me every time, and I'm not even afraid of heights.  You are dangling over a cliff and someone else is hanging on to you.

That lack of control is not unlike doing the zip line or some of the other challenges here.  Some of the challenges here really challenge you mentally.  They are really mind games more than physical challenges.  Others are challenges in letting go which for some people are metaphors for letting go of things in life.  Both types of challenges are equally good but just different.  The challenges can be about a lot of things.  It's really about something different for everyone and for some people the challenges really bring up a lot of emotion or things that people didn't realize were there.

My goal for this challenge, for the zip line, was not to go last and not to hold on.  If given the option, I will always choose to go last.  And usually I hold on to things with a death grip like in repelling off the mountain.  I do this elsewhere in life - hang on tight like I have any control over it.  When in reality life is so much easier when you let go because for most things, you can't control them anyway.  So to go outside my comfort zone I went first and I let go.  I didn't hang on to the line connecting me.  I hesitated for a second before I jumped but the thing is, the only way off that tower is to jump.  Once you jump, there really isn't another feeling like it.

I think I can't, but I always do

I wish I had something insightful to say but I don't.  So I'll just ramble.  Today I am doing the zip line which I think is going to be fun, but maybe slightly scary.  When doing these challenges you always have that brief moment when you say, "are you SURE this is really safe."  Cause I did have to sign a waiver and all.  I had to sign a second waiver just to rock climb outside.

I am not the adventurous type at all.  Not really.  As we have figured out, I like predictability.  I like to know exactly what is going to happen next.  I don't embrace the unknown readily which may be something to work on.  The most adventurous I think I have ever been is to start rock climbing and maybe to come to this place alone.  The person doing my pedicure said I am adventurous because we were talking about how I have done most of the challenge course, go rock climbing, and am doing the zyp line.  And because I came here alone.  Is that adventurous?  Maybe it is.  To me it is simply me trying to expand my boundary, for example overcoming fears on the challenge course.  Trying to erase the "I can't" voice in my head.

When I was rock climbing on Wednesday the guide who took me out challenged me to stop saying "I don't know where to put my hands."  And I did it, I was able to stop saying it.  Doesn't mean I figured out where to put my hands on the rock.  It didn't make it any easier but I really want to get rid of that "I can't" attitude.  Who the hell ever told me that I can't?  And when did I start believing it?  I was always thought to be the (won't say dumb) but less, should we say, likely to be successful as compared to my brother.  From my perspective, I was treated that way.  I was treated differently.  And whether it was intentional or not, probably not, my parents made me feel stupid.  This only had the effect however of motivating me (among other things that motivated me).  And some where in the process of becoming who I am and having the career that I have, I proved to them that I can in fact do whatever I set my mind to (so there!).  Or maybe I was proving it to myself.  I think I can't, but I always do.  Yet I still have this tape, this old old tape playing in my head saying you aren't smart enough, you aren't good enough, you can't do that.  But you will never know if you don't try.  Like I said, you have to one, two, three go for it sometimes.  I one, two, three hesitate.

You don't try out of a fear of failure (which is what it usually is I think).  What if you don't succeed?  But what if you do?

This place is like a little mini world where you can explore your boundaries safely and change them if you want to, or not if you don't.  At least acknowledge them.  You can learn things about yourself that you don't necessarily learn in the outside world for whatever reason.  For me, coming here is just very eye opening.  And it is challenging.  I am challenged in my every day life to apply what I learn here about myself.  The most difficult thing is the thing I want the most and that is to live in present moment time.  To me, there is nothing as good as being present in the moment.  What an amazing way to experience life.  Not in the past playing over and over what you would have done differently, and not in the future playing out the many possible scenarios and outcomes, but right now, this second.  What I want to achieve is to live every day like I am rock climbing because that is the most present in the moment I can possibly be.

This trip can be life changing if you want it to be.  This trip is whatever you make it.  So is life.

As true in life as it is in climbing

I am trying to remain open in this experience to whatever may happen or whatever I may feel.  Trying to use everything as a way to, at the very least, learn something about myself, if not change (hopefully) some things too.  In climbing yesterday we figured out that at least in climbing, I have a real (or imagined probably) fear of the unknown.  I will stick my foot in the water so to speak but I have a really hard time standing up on it.  In climbing, I like to know what my hands are going to grab onto.  I like to feel the rock before I stand up.  This is often impossible, especially climbing outside because you simply cant see or feel the next move.  It is like a puzzle that you have to solve and solve as you go, you have to simply trust your foot, stand up on it and know you are going to find the next right move when you do.  Like in life, there are things you can't know in advance of making the move.

All of the challenges on the challenge course are really great metaphors for how you respond in life to stress, fear, the unknown etc.  Most often the way you react to these intense challenges and feelings on the challenge course is exactly how you react in life to the same feeling, for example fear.  It is eye opening to do the challenges the first time and figure out about yourself exactly what those reactions or coping mechanisms are.  It does not have the same effect the second time around because it is a known istead of an unknown.  The second time I tried some of the challenges it was either fun or scary but nothing much more than that.

What I found out through all these challenges over the past few years, including rock climbing, is that although when facing something like the unknown I doubt myself, I even express that self doubt repeatedly, I always keep going, I persevere and I usually finish whatever is in front of me.  I am persistent in the face of the unknown but I have a hard time committing to it fully.  I like to know outcomes.  I like to know what the end game is.  I think that probably in life I face the unknown more easily than I do hanging of the side off a mountain 120 feet in the air.  I have an unfounded fear of falling outside even though I know that if I do fall I will only fall a few inches.  The thing is though, unless you try, unless you just one, two three go for it, unless you make the move, you are never going to know what might be possible.  You are limited in all ways unless you go for it.

I  hope in life that I face the unknown with more grace than I do on the side of a mountain.  The experience, the self doubt, it made me think of something someone said.  The guy who runs the "experience" that I can't wait for mentioned the last time (the last time I did the short 3 hour version of the 4 day) that most of the time we are operating under faulty belief systems and making decisions based on those faulty beliefs.  How true I think that is.  Part of the "experience" is to correct your faulty belief systems - it is to overcome self doubt.  When you correct those faulty beliefs about yourself, the voice in you head sends a different message and  your behavior changes.  Anyway, maybe more on the "experience" later.

Don't get me wrong though, climbing outside yesterday was really awesome.  We (I) climbed 5 routes.  There is no other word for it than awesome.  Oh, and I am going to do a rock climbing retreat/camp in October - more on that later.

Inspired

You know the wall hangings that I was talking about below with all the words you can pick from?  Last night I left my room for dinner and as I walked up the concrete step "inspired" was laying on the ground in front of me.  At first I stepped over it and kept going.  But I went back and picked it up and put it in my pocket.  It's in my pocket.

I'm off to rock climb... more later I am sure...

Okay seriously people, I can't believe I am admitting this

I am at one of the number 1 ranked spas in the world and I just watched the history of deodorant and the development of touch free bathrooms.  I have to agree with the program, the Dyson (you know, the vacuum people) hand dryer is the best.  I know because they have one here.

Day one: reflections

I haven't even been here that long, like we are talking about 4 hours, and already I am reflecting on things.  As I was wandering around the store contemplating what t-shirt to wear rock climbing (this is an important consideration.  There are weather considerations, and do you want to get scraped up or not.  I personally prefer to climb in a long sleeve shirt.  But crap, the only long sleeve shirt I brought is black and that's not going to work in this weather... and on and on), instead of attending the pilates workout, I realized that although I am having expectations about what I can get from being here while at the same time trying not to have any, this is more about my comfort zone and stepping outside of it - like way outside of it.  That is the point of this.  That is what made the first trip so amazing.  So I am going to have to figure out how to find the perimeter and then push the limit.  I'm not in the zone yet.

So here I am, twiddling my thumbs, having selected the proper sports bra and two t-shirts for rock climbing, trying to figure out how it is possible that I could have anxiety about the fact that I am having a hard time getting rid of the anxiety.  I can't win.  I mean seriously.  I am at a spa.  I am paying a small fortune to be here.  And I am anxious about when the anxiety is going to go away.  Only me right.

Anyway, here is a photo from the first time I was here.  They have these boards in the rooms and these cards with different words written on them.  You can select the ones you want or like and put them on the shelves.  This was what I was looking for the first time.

Arrival: seamless, well almost