I think I can't, but I always do

I wish I had something insightful to say but I don't.  So I'll just ramble.  Today I am doing the zip line which I think is going to be fun, but maybe slightly scary.  When doing these challenges you always have that brief moment when you say, "are you SURE this is really safe."  Cause I did have to sign a waiver and all.  I had to sign a second waiver just to rock climb outside.

I am not the adventurous type at all.  Not really.  As we have figured out, I like predictability.  I like to know exactly what is going to happen next.  I don't embrace the unknown readily which may be something to work on.  The most adventurous I think I have ever been is to start rock climbing and maybe to come to this place alone.  The person doing my pedicure said I am adventurous because we were talking about how I have done most of the challenge course, go rock climbing, and am doing the zyp line.  And because I came here alone.  Is that adventurous?  Maybe it is.  To me it is simply me trying to expand my boundary, for example overcoming fears on the challenge course.  Trying to erase the "I can't" voice in my head.

When I was rock climbing on Wednesday the guide who took me out challenged me to stop saying "I don't know where to put my hands."  And I did it, I was able to stop saying it.  Doesn't mean I figured out where to put my hands on the rock.  It didn't make it any easier but I really want to get rid of that "I can't" attitude.  Who the hell ever told me that I can't?  And when did I start believing it?  I was always thought to be the (won't say dumb) but less, should we say, likely to be successful as compared to my brother.  From my perspective, I was treated that way.  I was treated differently.  And whether it was intentional or not, probably not, my parents made me feel stupid.  This only had the effect however of motivating me (among other things that motivated me).  And some where in the process of becoming who I am and having the career that I have, I proved to them that I can in fact do whatever I set my mind to (so there!).  Or maybe I was proving it to myself.  I think I can't, but I always do.  Yet I still have this tape, this old old tape playing in my head saying you aren't smart enough, you aren't good enough, you can't do that.  But you will never know if you don't try.  Like I said, you have to one, two, three go for it sometimes.  I one, two, three hesitate.

You don't try out of a fear of failure (which is what it usually is I think).  What if you don't succeed?  But what if you do?

This place is like a little mini world where you can explore your boundaries safely and change them if you want to, or not if you don't.  At least acknowledge them.  You can learn things about yourself that you don't necessarily learn in the outside world for whatever reason.  For me, coming here is just very eye opening.  And it is challenging.  I am challenged in my every day life to apply what I learn here about myself.  The most difficult thing is the thing I want the most and that is to live in present moment time.  To me, there is nothing as good as being present in the moment.  What an amazing way to experience life.  Not in the past playing over and over what you would have done differently, and not in the future playing out the many possible scenarios and outcomes, but right now, this second.  What I want to achieve is to live every day like I am rock climbing because that is the most present in the moment I can possibly be.

This trip can be life changing if you want it to be.  This trip is whatever you make it.  So is life.