I know I still haven't told you what the "experience" is. Only a handful of you know - people I know in real life. I may tell you what it is or may never tell you. But I will tell you what happens. Those of you who were reading my pre-trip posts know that this is the reason I am here.
I can tell you that day one has already opened my eyes to something that I know to be problem in my life. I have known it to be a problem for a long time but I am acutely aware after last night just how it is affecting and preventing my relationships with other people. And also realized that despite my inability to be truly close to anyone or form close relationships with anyone, I do want to figure out how to do that. It is necessary. Because how different life could be if I wasn't living it all alone. I can't actually say I am close to no one because there is a person I am really close to and that is terrifying to me because of a fear of being abandoned and blaming myself for the abandonment - sorry I am off track - this is a topic for another day.
Part of the experience involves the ability to tell the truth. The ability to put it all out there. The ability to share your secrets and your fears. The ability to be completely open. I have historically been unable to do that with a few exceptions. There are definitely some people that I have felt instantly comfortable with and that I let in a little. Little by little but always carefully. This experience depends upon the ability to first share your issues. But I have an issue with sharing my issues. I have an obstacle. Nearly everyone else broke down crying and I was very emotionally flat, protecting myself. Although this inability to tell my secrets feels like an insignificant problem (If I could get to them, I have bigger problems in comparison), it is actually huge. If I can't get it out there I can't get it resolved. I am at a disadvantage.
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