Almost a Post, But Not Quite

I am basically a mess. I haven't written because I can't put together a coherent post. I have three almost posts, but I am lacking direction. To be truthful, I'm struggling lately - or still - and I definitely can't concentrate. Sometimes I say I don't know why I can't sleep, or why I can't concentrate or why this is so hard - but hello? Have I just been present for everything I've gone through? No, actually, I haven't been, and that's precisely the problem. I've been fooling myself I guess. Thinking I was dealing with things when in fact I wasn't. I'm an escape artist of sorts. Anything to avoid the pain and avoid feeling - it's all the same, any addiction really. Drinking, shopping, eating, working, obsessing over other peoples' problems - I look for distractions to avoid the pain. Or, I just plain run from it.

I remember the first time I really considered that I might be an alcoholic. I was about a week or so into trying to get sober and I realized, while talking with my friend who brought me into the program, just what was suddenly missing in my life - that numb feeling. That perfect numb feeling - the oblivion and the thought that I don't give a shit what happens next. When I get in a bad spot, I miss that feeling, or lack of I should say. This is how I know I am an alcoholic. My husband is out of town for a week or so and all I can think about for the past two days is the fact that the White Hen convenience store across the street sells wine and maybe I shouldn't be trusted here alone. One time I was making cookies and the recipe called for vanilla. My husband happened to look at the amount of alcohol in the vanilla - kidding around he told me to make sure I didn't relapse on it. For two days, all I could think about was whether I actually would ever drink vanilla. TWO DAYS I spent thinking about this.

My sponsor always likes to tell me the story about the guy who convinces himself he isn't an alcoholic - and to celebrate that revelation - he gets drunk! The point, only an alcoholic would drink to celebrate something like that. Anyway, the truth is, I'm a wreck and I'm desperate for a little relief and drinking is on my mind because it is the quickest way for some immediate, although very temporary relief. Quitting my job and moving away sounds good, this would probably be my first choice for handling what I am going through, but I can't execute it fast enough. My sponsor would tell me to pray for some relief. I used to do things the really hard way. My sponsor would tell me to do something and I would purposely refuse to do it. I carried on like this until I realized I was only hurting myself. Today is a perfect example though of old behavior. She told me to go to a meeting every day and to call her if I didn't. So, today I didn't go and I called her up, crying, and told her so - as if to say - so there. The truth is, I'm only hurting myself. I know what to do to get some relief, but I just don't do it. I don't do it and I lie to myself and tell myself that I don't understand why I feel so bad. Well, thank god other people see through my bullshit, cause I can convince myself of anything.