What if This is As Good as it Gets?

The grieving process is described in stages - denial, anger, negotiation and acceptance. You don't always go through these things in that order and this process applies to things besides what you might think of as grieving a loss. I think most of us go through these stages all the time with all sorts of different things. The process was clear cut when I came into AA, it is less clear sometimes in other situations. This experience, though difficult for me and extremely painful to go through, is fairly simple actually. I leanred very quickly in AA the power of acceptance - only when you have real acceptance of where you are at in your life, will your life begin to change. Getting to this point of acceptance - to the end of this grieving process, however, is not as simple as the concept. To achieve acceptance, of anything, the ultimate question is always the same - what if this is as good as it gets?

When I found out I had breast cancer, the negotiations with my higher power began. When you are faced with something like a life threatening illness, or any number of other things that I can imagine - you think about what you can and can't live with, what you are and are not okay with, even though it is ultimately out of your control. I promptly told God to fuck off, but turned around and said, "if you just get me through this, I'll be a better person, I'll live differently, I'll do whatever you want."

Then, as I made my way through my life, now changed forever, I really started to think about the tradeoffs I would make. What would I give up, and in exchange for what? You find yourself hoping against hope that this higher power that seems to have dropped you on your ass really has a hold of this, because if not, you are basically fucked. I suddenly found myself saying I could live with it if my hair never grew back. It became a series tradeoffs, one for another. I'll give up this in exchange for that. I'd give up my hair in exchange for my fertility, anything in exchange for my fertility. Begging and pleading with God. I'll do anything. You can have anything you want. I'll give anything up you want to take, if you just give me that one thing back. But would I give up my fertility in exchange for my life? That's basically what I've been forced to do and it isn't a bargain I felt willing to make.

The ultimate question is always the same then. What if this is as good as it gets? Sometimes the things are insignificant. What if I always drive the car I drive and have the job I have? What if I always make the amount of money I make and live in the condo I live in? Sometimes the things are more significant. What if my hair never grows back and my skin never fades from the radiation? What if every time I look in the mirror, all I have is a constant reminder of the ways my life will never be the same. What if I am infertile? What if this is really the most I will ever have in my life and the best that it will ever get? I just can't live with that. I just can't get there. I have to be able to say, that if this is as good as it gets, I'm fine with that, and I'm just not.