The Sound of Relief Flushing

Every once in a while, as I accumulate things that I shouldn't have in the house - meaning various potentially mind or mood altering substances - I have to purge them. First I tell on myself for having them in the house, then flush them down the toilet so that whoever I am on the phone with hears me dumping it out and flushing it. The thought process goes something like - hmmm, I feel like crap, maybe I'm not an alcoholic. A couple days later - I still feel like crap, okay, maybe I'm an alcoholic or I wouldn't still be thinking about the White Hen across the street. Now I am also thinking about the vanilla. Okay, definitely an alcoholic. Hmm, I still feel like crap - what else do I have in the house that I could take, besides vanilla?

Let's see, Nyquil, Tylenol with Codeine, hmmm, Alkaselzter cold medicine, Ambien, Ativan, hmmm, Oxycodone. The reason I have all these things in the house is because I had to take pain killer during the cancer treatment periodically, as well as Ambien and Ativan to sleep. The Nyquil is because my step daughter was sick and the Alkaselzter cold medicine is because I was sick. It made me nervous to have to take anything during the treatment, but I really had no choice and I was taking it as prescribed and very carefully. Of course, I didn't want to take it at all - but once I didn't need it anymore, I also didn't want to throw it away - you know, just in case. In case of what exactly? In case I get a headache? Uh, no. In case of the night I'm sitting here alone thinking about the White Hen across the street and don't want to drink vanilla.

Well, anyway, I called Tom, he made me flush all the dangerous stuff down the toilet. I have kept the Ambien and Ativan because I am still going through treatment and occasionally still have extreme difficulty sleeping. I just mention that I have it still though, because I do have to be careful with it. It amazes me sometimes that I give this so much thought. I never did drugs. Not exactly. I had a brief period of time years ago when I took a friend's muscle relaxers. First I took them because my neck hurt after taking the bar exam, then I switched to a half dose because I liked the way it made me feel. I remember saying to my friend - wow - this must be how most people feel all the time - I'm way too tense! So then I cut myself off because I liked it a little too much. That was pretty much my only experience with drugs. On the other hand, I did take Nyquil for quite a while to sleep, even when I wasn't sick. Eventually this stopped working. Hmm. I also don't keep mouthwash with alcohol in it in the house because I know someone who relapsed on it. I even have to be careful with the Alkaselzter cold medicine, cause honestly, I like the way it makes me feel. I pretty much avoid taking anything if possible because just about anything can mess with my head.

Flushing all this stuff down the toilet brings back a memory from when I first got sober. I didn't believe I was an alcoholic when I fist quit drinking. I actually thought I was taking a temporary break. Little did I know that only alcoholics take breaks. Anyway, I remember the first night that I desperately wanted some relief from the things I was feeling. I did exactly what I did today. I searched the house - for anything I could take since I knew I wasn't going to drink. Benedryl, Nyquil - anything to just make me feel something else. My brother was living with me at the time and I had to throw his cold medicine and mouthwash away. So, here I am. Still thinking about the White Hen. Fortunately though, the sound of relief flushing, actually sounds a lot like relief.