The Significance of Today

I said before that I am a survivor of my childhood. I might have said it in a way that makes it sound unremarkable or like I am ashamed of the person that I am. Like I would rather be something other than a survivor of anything when in fact being a survivor of any tragedy or adversity is nothing short of amazing. I am survivor of a lot of things and that is what has given me my incredible strength. I have been told recently by a lot of people that my strength is unparalleled and that I should be more open with my story and my past because you never know who is listening and you might just say the very thing that saves another person’s life. This has been my experience anyway, in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Time and again, we save each other’s lives.

I remember the first time I ever said, “I am an alcoholic.” It was not at my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and I didn’t show up there because I thought I had a problem. I said it at my twelfth meeting and the only reason I said it on that particular occasion was because the lights were off. It was a candlelight meeting and in the darkness I felt somewhat less of the shame that I associate with this. For days I had walked around the house saying the words, “I am an alcoholic, I am an alcoholic, I am an alcoholic.” “I am an alcoholic and I have been sober for ten days.” How does it sound? Does it feel true? What does it mean? Do I believe it? Can I say in front of someone else or do I feel too ashamed?

For the first eleven meetings I said my name, and that I wasn’t sure whether I belonged there, I just knew I felt better on the days I showed up. Eventually someone said to me, “you know, people who aren’t alcoholics, don’t just show up to AA meetings, what the hell do you think you are doing here?” “People who aren’t alcoholics don’t sit around and wonder about whether they are or not.” Eventually I would understand exactly what they meant although it would take a couple of months, a couple of slips and a lot of really bad days before I really believed what I now know for certain is true about me.

Well, it was a year ago today that I went to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous with the thought in my mind that I might qualify. It was a day after the worst hangover I’ve ever had - a two-day hangover, two days off of work, and midnight emails to a friend about how I didn’t understand what was happening to me. Although that meeting was an “open meeting” and I thought I was attending as a member of Al-Anon and ACOA, my friend had brought me there with something else in mind, watching me the entire time to see if I was relating. Little did I know that this was the beginning of what would ultimately change and undoubtedly save my life.

Today is important to me - dates are important to me in general – anniversaries, milestones - the date of that first meeting, my sobriety date which is December 14th, the day I found out I had breast cancer and the day I found out that I was cancer free, which was just last Tuesday. I am a recovering alcoholic, a 29 year-old breast cancer survivor, a survivor of my childhood and my past. It is remarkable and it is amazing and it is nothing to be ashamed of.

I put on a breast cancer survivor bracelet today for the first time and felt empowered by having experienced what I have been through in the past year in a way that I did not feel before, in a way that allows me, hopefully, to internalize the lessons that come from suffering so much and emerging on the other side, better, stronger and believing you are able to survive anything.