Not as crazy as you think you are

I had a psych consult yesterday when I went to talk to a psychologist. This was interesting. I've never had one before. I left there thinking - wow - you aren't as crazy as you think you are. Maybe you should start walking around acting as if you are normal, and you will be more normal. Turns out that I have suffered periods of depression in the past (duh), have bipolar type mood swings, but don't qualify as bipolar (duh), but I do qualify for generalized anxiety disorder (duh again), obsessive-compulsive disorder (yup), and have been labeled as having a mild eating disorder. I would say this last one is a news flash - but I posted pretty openly on this blog about my bad body image and self esteem and all about how the OCD is tied to food and controlling anxiety by what I eat and don't eat - so it would be hard to claim that I didn't know this, although it shocked me that it could be labeled eating disorder. I would rather just say my relationship to food is a bit abnormal.

Anyway, the point of this was to figure out if I should try taking an anti-anxiety drug. Cause as I have said, it is almost unbearable sometimes and the way I feel sometimes is intolerable, the mood swings etc. Particularly the anxiety around getting cancer and dying. Most interesting was that the doctor said that he would specifically treat the generalized anxiety, which would in turn help the periods of depression (same drugs obviously) - and possibly the OCD, but it is less likely to help this. Apparently, OCD only responds to high levels of drugs and because it does not affect my ability to function - he would not recommend treating it. This is probably more of a behavioral coping mechanism than a biological problem - and I would tend to agree because I have learned through various behavioral techniques to control it. We were a little bit torn over knowing whether all of this is biological or learned behavior and coping techniques. Probably both I guess. Anyway, for that reason, he recommended taking something short term while talking to the psychologist.

The jury is kind of still out on this. Alternatively, I've been told I am just being stubborn and defiant. On the topic of whether OCD affects my ability to function and live - well - it appears not - simply because I am not late because of it and don't miss things because of it - like flights and meetings etc. But why don't you try to get out the door in the morning, having to check the iron, the blind cords, the toaster, the toaster again, one more time, the stove, the computer plug - and tell me that it isn't affecting your ability to live. Thing is - the best way to solve this problem - is simply to change my behavior. This is quite possibly the only way to solve this problem. Which means I am already doing what I can to cope with it and have for years. But in changing my behavior, I need another way to alleviate the anxiety. Why do I unplug the toaster? Cause I don't know what else to do. The doctor said that it is really rather remarkable that I have been so successful and so high functioning, given the OCD that I describe. Since I was a pretty little kid, I had learned to talk myself out of it - much the same way that you would learn in cognitive behavioral type therapy, i.e. try not unplugging the toaster and see what happens - eventually the way you feel about this will change. Rationally I know that I can leave the lamp plugged in when I go out of town, cause I leave it plugged in when I am in town, for months at a time. But nothing about this rational.