The Uncomfortable Comfort, Among Other Things

So a friend of mine has suggested that perhaps I do not want to be okay. That perhaps I like to be miserable and unhappy and that maybe my hesitation in changing is that I won't know what to do if there isn't anything to do anything about. What would I actually do if everything were just fine? What would I do with the space in my brain? Why does it feel so uncomfortable when I am comfortable? Why do I not want to be comfortable?

I have always been too afraid to take any kind of anti-anxiety drug or anti-depressant - though it has been suggested to me several times. Currently my sponsor is on my case to see a therapist and take an anti-anxiety drug temporarily - to at least be open to it. The fear is that I will somehow not be myself if I take something like this. That I will feel differently, perceive the world differently, exist in it differently. Some would suggest that this is the point. But I am not sure I know how to be different in a world that looks different.

I am torn, because I am not sure I can keep going the way I have been going - meaning change is required to stay sober - and I think I am either not going to stay sober, or going to have to change. This roller coaster of emotion that I am on - the up and the down - interspersed with the anxiety - is becoming difficult to bear and I am starting to wish for a way out of it. It is not unlike a moment of surrendering - of giving up and saying fine, I'll do it your way - or at least a different way.

On an unrelated note, I have this situation in front of me that I desperately want to be a certain way - the alcoholic is an extreme example of self will run riot. I want what I want and I want it now. But I can't have it - so my only choice is to look at it differently. And to try to tell myself that some things are a blessing in disguise. Acceptance etc.

I need to try something different this time. Do something different to get a different result. I read something today that really made me think about this - in one of the daily recovery readings I do - it said,"determining to risk the outcome resulting from a changed behavior or attitude will enhance our self-perceptions." I am willing to risk the outcome of this particular situation in order to try something different. I am willing to risk the outcome of this in order to eliminate the pain I am in. Maybe this applies to both situations, this and taking some kind of medication for anxiety. Maybe I am in enough pain to be willing to just see what would happen if....

Also - a good friend said something to me today that stuck with me all day - it was something that her sponsor said to her - she said, "I can't believe you think so little of yourself that you can't behave differently." It stopped me dead in my tracks for a second. The option is to change, or to change. Those are the only two options.