Okay I admit it

I like the climbing wall instructor who works on Tuesday.  I don't just like him, but I like him like him, as we would say when we were kids.  Do you like him, or do you like him like him?  That makes me laugh.

I have other reasons for going to climb on Tuesday.  Really I do.  Like Monday is too hectic coming back from the weekend.  I don't like the guy who works Wednesday.  The Thursday guy is fairly obnoxious, but pretty helpful.  And I like going Friday also.  The instructor is nice and all.  Tuesday is the ideal day.  And it just so happens that I have realized I like the instructor so that's a bonus.  Except that now I feel like I HAVE to go Tuesday.  I have to no matter what is going on at work because that is the only day I have any chance of seeing him.  Unfortunately, he works the early shift so now you know why I am always trying to run out the door early.  He's not at all my "type," whatever that even means, but I like him.

He's kind of flirty with me.  But I can't tell if he is actually flirting with me, being polite, just being friendly - I don't know.  I just don't know these things anymore.  I don't know how to tell.

But the good thing is, even if he is not interested, that's okay - but at least now I know it is possible for me to like someone.  I haven't liked anyone in three and a half years.  Like if I have felt anything for anyone, it is more like negative attraction maybe not quite to the point of repulsion.  I have felt no attraction to anyone or even given anyone a second look or considered the possibility.  I had resigned myself to being alone and being happy that way and not wanting the trouble in my life of trying to share it or coordinate it with another person's life.  I just figured I would be alone because I just didn't feel the least bit interested or at all like trying.  I have complained at various points about the impossibility of meeting someone - because I don't have that many friends to begin with and because I don't drink so I don't really go out, except with a few people, and I don't go to AA meetings like I used to (and even when I did go, the dating possibilities were limited).  The chances of me meeting someone are pretty much next to nothing.  And even though I might have complained at various points about this fact - I am simply unwilling to try.  And I am still unwilling to try.  Except for the fact that I happen to have come across a person I am attracted to and like, but for running into him, I would be doing my usual.  Almost purposely not trying.

I would say the odds are good that nothing will happen between me and this guy - but at least I know it's possible for me like someone in that way.  I really thought it wasn't possible anymore.  That still isn't going to make me try.  I am going to have to simply run into him because I am certainly not going to try to find him.