It is always better to do the leaving than it is to be left. The key is knowing precisely when to leave.
To me being left by someone I care about is the worst thing imaginable. I care about the person and I think they care back, they seem like it, so I trust them, even if it is like a tiny little bit, and then they leave with your secrets. It is devastating to me. It is probably my worst fear - to be abandoned. Of course intellectually I know it is possible to survive being left, it just doesn't feel like it.
I keep a distance between myself and you. I keep a wall around myself that is mostly impenetrable. Other times it is paper thin but you just don't know it. And if you just reach out and touch it, it would disintegrate. Regardless, almost no one makes it through to the other side. The truth is though you are a lot closer than you think you are. A lot closer than I ever let on. You really don't have any idea. We are participating in two different relationships though. My version and your version - they aren't the same.
I anticipate the ending. I know when it's coming. If I have erected the wall just right, when it all falls down around me there isn't anything left to feel anyway. You can't be abandoned when you've already left. Our lives are more tangled than you realize. They are twisted up and intertwined. You know me whether you know it or not. Better than I have let you believe. You know things about me. You know my secrets. A few anyway. Sitting across from you, over our conversation, I undo us in my mind. I take back the pieces that are mine. Right in front of you, without you ever knowing, I sever our mixed up lives into two. It is a silent undoing. So perfect that when you do go, you simply slip from my existence as if you were never there in the first place. And I feel nothing.
1 comment:
You need to start writing for real. It's not easy to distill the feelings of abandonment into words like you have done here....it's exactly spot on to how I feel and why it's also difficult for me to have relationships. Connection is relating and if most of the time you are severing it in your mind you can never have closeness. The sad thing for us is that is all there really is to life - so conquering this is worth every effort. You can do it and my God you can sure write about it....this is a terrific post.
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