This day 3 years ago

Every so often I like to look back at an old journal entry written on the same day however many years ago. I have a lot of old old handwritten journals from a long time ago and of course this blog.  I have been writing this blog for almost four years and it has really been more of a journal for me than anything.  I don't write about anything particularly interesting or anything anyone wants to know about.  It is just me and what is going on in my head and my life for the most part.  It helps me I guess, sometimes.  So anyway, when I look back at old entries I am sometimes surprised by what was going on at the time, or surprised about what I wrote.  I was looking back at July 10, 2007 this morning just to see and it's funny (or not actually), that I was feeling very much the same way then as I do today.  Almost exactly.  Nothing changes I guess if nothing changes.  The only difference this time is that I am trying to change it.

Here is what I wrote:

The lack of motivation is persisting. I don't have any. I've been working reasonable hours lately - i.e. leaving "early." I could have gone to a second meeting, found someone to go to coffee, found someone to hang out with. But no, I don't feel like it. I know this is probably a misperception on my part - but I don't really think that people want to be friends with me. They don't really put any effort into it, so in turn, I don't put effort into it either. In some ways AA here feels very cliquey - and I arrived on the scene well after people had formed their friendships. Plus, people know I work a lot so I think they assume I am always working. Anyway, like I said yesterday, there are things about my life that I would like to change - in fact, I think that part of the reason I gave in and went on medication was to enable me to be able to change those things. Ironic that the medication has made me not feel like doing anything or bothering to change anything.

It seems that I sit at work and fantasize about what time I will get to go home and prematurely put my pajamas on and sit in front of the t.v. and watch things like America's Got Talent and the Singing Bee, which are on the schedule for tonight. I will start 25 minutes late so that I can skip commercials, take intermittent breaks for things like figuring out what to wear tomorrow (in case I have to iron..so that I can be into my office parking garage by 8 to get the cheaper parking rate...yes, per my earlier post last winter, I am still driving to work, even though I live downtown), and packing food for snacks. Then at 9 when the bad t.v. runs out, I'll watch worse t.v. - episodes of Dawson's Creek that I have been recording on the Tivo.

This is what my life amounts to lately, bad t.v. And truly, I don't even care, or I am starting not to care. I know I'll never find a guy to be with if I sit here and watch t.v., but who cares. Every guy I date treats me like shit anyway and why would I want to give up my free time to take care of some asshole guy who will inevitably take advantage of me for my money and play video games all day while I work 50 hours a week and pay his bills and do everything for him. Yes, this has happened to me before, not once, but twice. Now granted I am at fault for being so great at picking boyfriends and so bad at getting rid of them. But still - what do I have to do to attract someone normal? Today I went to an AA meeting at lunch time that I had never been to before and this creepy guy was all over me as I was trying to leave. I must be wearing a sign that says if you are a complete asshole, and kind of creepy and really fucked up, please, come talk to me.

Anyway, I have about 10 minutes until my designated start time. Better go put my pjs on and situate myself for three hours of nothing.