And to practice these principles

To practice these principles in all our affairs - step 12. This is what has been on my mind lately - not so much the part of the step about carrying the message - but the part about practicing these principles in all of our affairs. I think people always think of service work when they think of step 12 - but that's only one half of it and it isn't even really the point. Service work is the easy part. It is easy to carry the message but it is difficult to live it. Over and over again I encounter people who do just that - they can talk the talk, but it's all just talk.

It is one thing to be sober in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous - but that isn't reality, or even a close approximation really. It is this safe little cocoon but it isn't reality. It is one thing to show up in the rooms and tell the truth and to have accountability to the people around you - it is something completely different to be an honest person and to take responsibility - for your choices, your past, for the way that you treat and have treated people, and so on. Being accountable to the people outside of the rooms is different. Being sober in the rooms of alcoholics anonymous isn't the same as living your life on a sober basis, by the AA principles. If you never get there, you've missed the point completely and I don't think it takes being on step 12 to practice the principles in all of our affairs.

What the hell is the point of any of this if when you walk out of the room - you don't tell the truth and you don't take responsibility. What about acceptance, faith, willingness, courage, humility, forgiveness, perseverance, patience - all principles of the program - do they translate into the rest of your life, have you, or haven't you really changed? "I had to face the ever-present knowledge that my every action, word and thought, was within or outside, the principles of the program. I could no longer hide behind self-rationalization."

Self-rationalization. One of my favorite things to say when I first got sober was, "yeah, but...." Everything - was a yeah, but - yeah, but I...., yeah, but he...., yeah, but it's not...., yeah, but I don't want..., yeah, but he said.... They told me that the only thing that comes after a "yeah, but" is a lie, a rationalization or a justification. I mention it only because a lot of things have suddenly become clear to me and this speaks to so many things about not sober behavior. The moments of clarity that I do have - when I have them - are sudden. It comes all at once in a burst of realization and you know things will never be the same. You will be unable to ever excuse yourself again - that's the hardest part - that you have no excuse and you know it.