Just an update

I feel a bit better than I did the other day - quite a bit actually. I didn't work at all this weekend, which was good. It really allowed me to reconnect with reality (i.e., my feelings) - and granted it didn't feel great the entire time, but it's good to feel human and now I feel better. I don't enjoy those times of feeling numb the way I used to. I always think it is appealing, but I didn't really enjoy it. It's kind of scary actually to just be able to turn everything off like that. Anyway, it's going to be another couple of weeks of working crazy hours - but I think I can handle it. I just feel a little better about it in general. I feel more serenity than I have over the past couple of weeks about it. I'm not really sure why, I just feel differently about it - it's all in perspective I guess.

I have decided to do an experiment with my higher power. My sponsor is currently engaging in such an experiment so I am going to do this on the theory - what have I got to lose? This is the same theory on which I got sober. The same theory on which I started praying to a higher power. The same theory on which I have tried anything in this program. I actually think it might already have worked - but I was going to give it 30 days of trying it. So I guess I will see if it's different in 29 more days. I'll report back on that one.

My mind is pretty clear surprisingly - I don't have much to say. I feel calm, content, connected to my higher power. No complaints really. I was thinking about progress today, about how it happens for me. When I change - it isn't subtle. It doesn't happen slowly over time. It isn't a gradual process. It isn't like I try and try to stop engaging in character defects and slowly my behavior improves. Instead I just keep blatantly doing the same stupid shit over and over again, and then one day I just wake up and I don't do it anymore. I literally just wake up a different person. It's like I just feel different - something is different and I can't always put my finger on it. It just feels like what once was a character defect is gone - it just vanishes - poof - it's like magic. I know I've posted about this phenomenon before. It's step 6 and 7. Became entirely ready to have God remove all our defects of character, and humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings.

I think this is what happens at the exact moment that you become entirely ready and then asked to be freed. Poof.

Two days ago, I had just such a moment. I woke up different.