CAN I GET YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE?

You are not immune. So don't think for even a second that you are. You have to be vigilant, always.

I feel better today, but wow, these past few days, since Friday, have been about getting my attention. Maybe I just needed a reminder, that's all. I didn't think that I was being complacent in my program, but I guess you can never think when you walk into such a situation, like dinner with non-sober people, that you are really safe. These past few days have felt like very early sobriety. A lot of my past feelings and thoughts are in front of me, I am experiencing them, my sensitivity to everything is heightened, and talking to this new friend of mine is like talking to myself two years ago. I am sure that it has just brought stuff up and she describes what it's like to feel that anxiety and compulsion to drink with such precision that I feel it right along with her.

I do feel better though. I feel grounded again. I feel like my sobriety is stable and in tact and like I might not lose it to the bottle of vanilla in the cupboard. Yes, that's right. If you stop drinking and you are suddenly obsessed and all you can think about is whether there might be something you could do with the vanilla in the cupboard - the only thing in the house with alcohol in it - maybe mix it with a little cold medicine - to get some relief - you might have a problem.

What I wouldn't give for a little relief.

I am extremely stressed about work, not to mention the fight that I am in with Volkswagen. Sometimes I think my ability to deal with stress was better before I was sober - not because I consciously drank to deal with stress but because my life was in constant chaos and I am good in the middle of the stress of it. Before my life was drama, chaos, stress, turmoil, upset and I used to operate on auto-pilot in that world. Today my life is relatively uncomplicated and stress free. I have a certain amount of serenity or a certain calm about me so that when the chaos switch gets flipped I am not used to dealing with it anymore.

It's probably no surprise that I nearly lost it on Friday. The holidays are coming - which is always upsetting, my level of stress at work just doubled over what it has been the past two months, then there is my car situation, the situation with my mother...I know these things don't seem like a lot, but they are getting to me. I really feel like my level of stress at work is going to push me over the edge. I'm not making it to meetings this week - I already can tell that I am not going to make it tomorrow, I am going to have to work this weekend, and probably 12 hour days to get this project done and I seem to have no ability to concentrate.

I wish my sponsor would call me back. I feel better, but I don't feel right. Something is still off.