At least I know that when I feel as good as I did the past few days, that I am going to crash eventually. It's inevitable and predictable, although I never know exactly when it's coming. It's inevitable because this way that I feel - it isn't real - it isn't sustainable. It lasts for maybe a few days and then I cry on my floor, like last night, while I talk to my higher power about what isn't fair and that I do have things to be angry about. And there are simply things that I can't get over. I can only pretend to - for days at a time.
I was talking to my therapist today about just exactly how I see my life. We concluded that I see it as neither good or bad - but that I am just indifferent about it. It's fine I guess - it's okay - I am neither happy nor unhappy. I know it isn't bad - because I objectively know that. I know how other people perceive my life. I just can't for the life of me seem to see it the way that other people do - at least not with consistency.
The expression - you can't see the forest for the trees - I seem to have the opposite problem. The trees are like a blur - the finer details of my life - and if I could see those - if I could pick those out - delineate the edges - I might find things to be happy about. You know - being present in the moment and enjoying the moment - those are details in which I find happiness. But all I see is the forest - all I see is the whole - and on the whole my life is not what I want it to be. It is true that today, right now, my life is fine, my day was fine, there is little about the present moment that I would change. But beyond the day, in the greater scheme of things - nothing is what I want it to be.
No comments:
Post a Comment