A non-event

My mother called - a week and two days ago. It was such a non-event that I haven't bothered to post about it. She caught me by surprise. She called my work phone from her cell phone and I didn't recognize the number. I answered because I thought it was my cousin calling me from her husband's phone. I was more than surprised actually, I was shocked. I thought our relationship was over when after refusing to give her 2k, and some pretty difficult conversations, and her not talking to me for 5 weeks...I did really think it was over. I was okay with it. I was. I was prepared to never see her or talk to her again. In some ways I felt relieved. I felt lucky - compared to my brother and sister-in-law who seem intimately more tied to her, even if it is only about my nephew and even if it is only on the surface.

She called me up to talk about nothing - in fact she called like nothing happened 6 weeks ago - though it was pretty clear that the existence of it hung between us even on the telephone, so dense you could have cut it if we had been in a room together. She sounded sad more than anything. She tried to tell me she wasn't drinking (yeah right), she started a job (after the failure of her business - which is what the 2k was for). She has no where to go for the holidays (me neither). She talked a lot about my brother's job opportunities. She never asked how I was, she just asked what I've been up to. I told her work. She asked if I had any friends. (When did I ever give her the impression that I don't?) I said yeah, lots of them, in AA. She managed to slip a little poke in there - she said, I sure wish you could find a man to be with. I tell her I've given up on that, partly to be dramatic (which she says makes her feel really sad). And then she had to go. The whole thing was relatively harmless, but sad.

It was apparent that she basically called to make herself feel better - because it is always about her. When I had breast cancer - it was about her. Clearly it wasn't about making me feel better - I mean, there was and never has been an apology in my life from her. My sister-in-law pointed out an interesting thing - the only thing she ever wishes for me is that I find a man. She doesn't wish that I find happiness - she only wishes that I find a man. Ironic because she would blame the failure of her life on my father.

She has tossed the ball back in my court. I feel like flinging it in some other direction. I have a feeling that she thought the ball was probably in my court all along - and I thought it was in hers and that she wouldn't touch it. I was content with that. Now what am I supposed to do? Do I have to see her around Christmas? Do I buy her a gift? What am I supposed to do? What has changed since I thought it was over? I still fell guilty.