It's over. The project. It's done. The one I've been stressed about, working endlessly on. It's over. With the click of a button - send - at 11:50 last night. Hundreds of thousands of dollars in fees. Hundreds of hours of my time, and others - sent off in an email. I thought I would sleep in, but I couldn't. In fact I slept terribly and I kept dreaming that I was at work all night. And then I dreamed that I came to work the next day and told the partner that I dreamed I was at work all night. I thought I would sleep in, take it easy, and then wander in around 10. But I got here at 8. Why? Because I can't sleep and I don't know what else to do with myself except come to work.
I should savor it right - the accomplishment - the fact that I probably won't have to work another weekend until the New Year - the fact that I did this project largely alone, and it was huge. I should enjoy the fact that I can go back down to normal hours (170 per month) and the holidays are coming. But oh wait - I hate the holidays. I need something to fill up the time around the holidays so I can forget that I have no where to go and no family to be with. Suddenly I wonder what happened in this past month that I inadvertently missed and what's going to happen when I come crashing down from not having felt anything for a while?
I should take pride in the accomplishment or something - but the feeling is short lived. It is like all accomplishments in my life - they are followed by disappointment. Plus, it's just a job, and yeah, it was a really good project, but it's just a project. The disappointment isn't in myself or that it didn't turn out how it was supposed to - cause it turned out quite well actually. The disappointment is in the fact that I don't enjoy it - that I don't feel like I accomplished something. The disappointment is in the fact that it didn't feel like enough of a high - it just felt like, well, any other thing that I do, and then it's over. I want it to be some big deal, but it isn't.
I'm just on to the next thing. All accomplishments in my life are like this - a split second after it's all over, I find myself saying what's next? It's all a part of that looking for something outside of me to make me feel better...except I don't really do that anymore - this is just a remnant of that belief I think. I don't live under the illusion that anything can "fix" me - not a job, or a guy, or the raise I just found out that I get come January 1, or a new car - but I used to believe that. Sometimes it's a matter of distracting myself - I can get through something difficult if I am distracted. When the project ends and suddenly I have 70 hours extra in a month - back to myself - I guess I don't know what to do with it. I want to enjoy it - but it's not that easy for me. It takes effort.
There is only one accomplishment in my life that didn't feel like a let down - that would be getting sober and staying that way in the beginning. Everything else I've ever done has felt easy - college, law school, getting jobs, being successful in a career - even surviving breast cancer was easy in comparison to what I went through when I came into AA. The only thing really that hasn't felt disappointing after the fact - was my one year anniversary last December. Probably a combination of how difficult the beginning was and how much I went through in that first year. I mention it only because I worry that my anniversary won't be that way this year - that it will instead be like all other things - a build up and a let down.
My friend that gave me my token last year can't be at the meeting this year and my brother probably won't be around. I actually think no one will even remember. To me it is a big deal though. I know that my anniversary isn't about me - the purpose of it and announcing it is to show someone newer that the program works - but my anniversary is the most important day to me. More important than my birthday - more important than then day I finished breast cancer treatment. December 14th, 2005 - that's my sobriety date and it's the most important day - because without it, I wouldn't be alive. I don't know why - I want it to be like last year - but it won't be.
Anyway, there are a lot of things I have been meaning to write about - but I just haven't had time...so, I'll be back with more later.
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