Lazy days

I seem to be having this problem where I can't stay awake. Seriously. I've never been someone to nap, ever. I have to be extremely sick to nap. I've never even really liked napping. My mother was always a napper - but I've realized why. Funny that I never connected these things when I lived there so many years ago - but she had to nap because she had already had so much alcohol to drink by 1:00 p.m., that it necessitated sleeping it off for a while. Anyway, I suddenly have this amazing ability to nap, on the weekend, whenever I sit down on the couch to relax and watch t.v., I fall asleep.

I can't figure it out. I know that when I don't have a lot going on - when my activity level is low, my energy level tends to be lower - and the more active I am, the more energy I have. I guess it is a little bit counter intuitive. It makes no sense though because I've been exercising for the past two weeks. My activity level has been higher than normal and here I am falling asleep for two hours in the middle of the day. I napped every day all of Thanksgiving weekend. I don't set out to nap, it just happens every time I sit down on the couch. And I am even sleeping fine at night - slightly more than normal even. And I'm not someone to need a ton of sleep at night. I'm still wondering if it is due to a low level of vitamin D.

Anyway, work has slowed down, or so it seems. I guess this is normal with the holidays. In the month of November, I billed about 80 or 90 hours less than I did in the month of October. How is that possible? How do you lose or find 80-90 hours? It means I either had a lot of free time in November, that I apparently wasted, or, I got nothing done in my personal life in October. It doesn't feel like I worked that much more or less. Although I guess two days alone can make a 20-25 hour difference sometimes. I'm just trying to enjoy it - having some time to myself in the evenings and having time to exercise. I have a tendency not to enjoy the downtime, but to just stress about not being busy enough. It's a constant calculation and recalculation of my time. Am I on track, ahead of track, losing track? There is never really a point during the year when it isn't somehow on my mind.

I'm sitting here in my pajamas at 4:15 p.m. But lest you think I did nothing today - before I accidentally fell asleep at 1:00 p.m., I got up, paid the bills, got dressed, ate breakfast, went to the 9 a.m. meeting, came home, worked out, showered, ate lunch and emptied and loaded my dishwasher. It just happens to be that I put pajamas back on when I got out of the shower and now I am just waiting to see if I am going out to dinner before I put clothes on. The weather here has turned to crap so I am not sure whether I'm leaving the house. Oh, my friend just called - we are venturing out in this mess...be back later...

I'm back and the weather did indeed suck - more on that later. I was sitting here watching Intervention all afternoon (uh, after I woke up) - that show where a family gangs up on some unsuspecting person with a drug, alcohol or other problem and sends them to treatment. I don't know why I watch this. It makes me think one of two things - thank God I don't drink anymore and it never got that bad, or, wait a second - why don't I drink anymore - it never got that bad. I never did drugs, ever, I never drank every day, I never drank at home alone, I never drank in the morning, I never wrecked a car, got pulled over, got a DUI, lost my driver's license, lost a job, lost a career, lost a relationship or a family, lost all of my money, lost a house...I did skip work a few times because I was hung over, and I did black out on various and multiple occasions, and I did drive when I shouldn't have. But the truth is, nothing ever really happened (and thank God). My bottom was purely emotional. So how did I end up in AA? Through a serious of fortuitous events.