I am starting to panic

I am soliciting prayers again.

Hi folks. Bad week again - not work wise so much as mentally and emotionally.

I have a follow-up doctor's appointment with my oncologist on Friday. I've known about this for a while. I thought I was fine about this. Well, this morning, I started to panic. I am totally in panic mode. I almost can't function. I wonder if that is why I have been a mess the past two weeks and just didn't realize it.

Why am I panicking? Remember how the last follow-up went? They thought I might have breast cancer again. See HERE, HERE and HERE.

I wish I could describe to you what kind of hell I am in. Go read the post at the first link - that's the only way I can describe it. It is agonizing, it is terrifying, it is debilitating, I can't live like this. I can't live this way anymore you guys. I can't do it. This is destroying my life. I need some other way to deal with this.

And, here's the thing - this should be a nothing appointment - it is what I call an "in between" appointment. If I am this scared of an appointment that should not be all that scary - then imagine the next one when I have a mammogram. And am I going to do another MRI - which was disastrous the last time? Cause if I am - I have to do that in mid-July. Unfortunately, this next mammogram is scheduled for September 11th. Is the anticipation of it going to ruin my leave of absence? Do I need to move it?

I can't do this anymore. I can't.

I need people to pray for me.