I admit that things are not going well in terms of keeping it together at work. That would be an understatement. I guess I should say, things are not going well in terms of keeping it together just generally - work is just one thing that is being affected. My mental state is the other and that means everything is being affected.
I knew when I agreed to wait to take time off that it would not be easy. I did not realize just how not easy it would be. I should have known because I have needed time off since the very end of January. And I've now been waiting 5 months. This is no longer about needing to deal with the fact that I had breast cancer and how to live my life in spite of that.
I did not know that every unresolved issue that I have was going to be brought to my attention in the interim while I waited, that I would lose control over my mood swingy issues or rather that the illusion of control would be so suddenly removed, or that what once worked to numb me out (my job) would inexplicably stop working.
I'm cracking. Under the weight of everything - my childhood, what happened to me, the stress of my job, my mood swingyness that is not worked out and feels intolerable. I'm just cracking under the weight of it. I have days, seriously, where I feel like I am going crazy. Where I feel like someone else.
And I don't understand why this is happening to me. Why now? Why at all? I was so good in a crisis situation and under pressure - I don't know what happened that I now can't keep it together, even in my own head, in the midst of what is seemingly a non-crisis. I don't know why I can't get my shit together and figure this out. All I know is that I need to go on leave. I need to go before I come completely undone. I need to go now - but I am having all kinds of guilt about it and feelings of not deserving it - feeling bad about it, worrying that they will be mad that I couldn't hold out (because I agreed to wait until August 1) or mad that I need more than 4 weeks. So I try to hold out and it becomes ever more intolerable. It's not good folks.
I don't know what to do.
5 comments:
Yes, you do know what to do. Get up, make a couple of phone calls, then unplug your phone, turn off the blackberry and go back to bed. You can do it.
I don't have any good advice, my head is too swirly, but I wish you well right now, LAS.
You know, I think I know what you are talking about-- the breaking point, and suddenly finding yourself there.
I have no idea why they sneak up on you like that, but they always seem to. I am sorry.
Take time off
H.A.L.T
Doesn't get much more obvious than that does it?
I worry about people like you in AA. My main sorrow in life is that I cannot help everyone. (yeah crazy i know!) That I cannot sponsor all the people I see suffering to a point of safety. either because I do not have the time, ? whatever, mental energy, or they are not 'ready', or do not respond well to me, therefore making the process far too difficult.
its a bummer. i hate seeing people suffer. but i have no choice unfortunately. I just have this ? thing when i see someone suffering I REALLY want to help them in whatever way I can. silly really. its just the way I am. i understand that i must watch helplessly as others suffer, and that is how life is, but I will never like it..
hope you feel better soon..
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