From sad, to fine, to devastated, to happy, to sad, to fine

I'm back.

As I said, I had a horrible week. I can't really put my finger on why, or tell you what was wrong about it even. It just wasn't good, in any way. Well, one thing did happen on Monday that I can't blog about, which threw me for a bit of an emotional loop (which may still be having an impact on me). But I was on a roller coaster ride anyway it seemed - the week before this week also. In two weeks I have gone from sad, to fine, to devastated, to happy, to sad, to fine, to not okay, to okay, to so so, back to fine, devastated, fine, hopeless, okay, all mixed up with some anxiety, a little OCD and a serious inability to concentrate on anything at all. I've been on this day or two day turn around of my emotions. It's exhausting actually. It's sometimes a bit difficult to live like this. At least this week it has been.

It's not uncommon for my mood to cycle like this, I've blogged about it and how I've never gotten to the bottom of it really - it just seemed, I don't know, not right this week, maybe more uncomfortable to sit through, pretty bad I guess. Then again, from my own perspective, it's hard to judge because how would I know really - it's just what I'm used to. I've been this way since I can remember. Is it bad, I don't know? Is it out of the ordinary, I don't know? If you asked the person I've been talking to on instant message all week, she would probably say, uh, yeah, bad.

I don't think it really normally cycles quite this fast - I just feel all out of whack - I still feel out of whack. Sometimes my mood is pretty even (for a few weeks or maybe a few months at a time). So it can be very confusing. When it' s all out of whack I start to get worried and think I need to do something about it. When it's relatively stable I don't think I need to. The bad part doesn't last, but neither does the good part. I've never gotten to the bottom of it - I've always just dealt with it. I tried Lexapro briefly a year ago and although it was good for a few weeks, I got really depressed on it so I freaked out and then gave up trying to do something about it. It's easy to talk myself out of exploring whether I might be able to not feel this way, because well, when I feel good, I feel really pretty good.

And work didn't go well this week. And I can't put my finger on what wasn't going right there either. I was busy, but not that busy. I felt extremely busy for a day or two in the past two weeks, but things are manageable. I just don't know what is wrong. Projects were not going well, they were taking too long....

But on a positive note, I am doing a good job of setting boundaries at work. And, I went and walked on the treadmill tonight when I got home. That's the first time I've exercised in 4 months.