I figure I might as well post because I am not doing anything else. Although lately I feel like I don't have much to say. I am trying to work, but unsuccessfully. I've mostly been unsuccessful at working for two weeks now. I don't totally know why. A combination of my erratic mood swings, something else I can't post about, this appointment, and other unidentified things. Right now I am listening to my secretary have a shouting match half-way across the office with the facilities guy about which side of the file folder the label should go on and whether files should be done left to right or right to left. Seriously, they are screaming at each other.
I am not feeling too bad about this appointment that I have at 3:45 at the moment - but what I am feeling bad about is my inability to deal with what I went through on a larger scale. I need to figure this out because right now, the terrorists are winning as a friend would say. And she is right, they are. The fear I have about this happening again and what it will mean more or less rules my life. It is ruining my life in my opinion. Most days I feel like this whole experience has ruined my life. I have only moments where I am not overwhelmed by the fear of it and those moments are only when I am with my nephew Ellis. Otherwise, it colors every thought I have, everything I do, my relationships with everyone, my future plans, or lack thereof, everything. And I realized recently that it has ruined my ability or maybe I should just say taken away my desire to ever get involved with another man. Because when it happens again, I would rather just be alone. I don't want to put another person through that. I don't want someone to have to watch me die a miserable, horrible death. And if I know that the odds of it happening to me are double the odds of it happening to someone who has never had it - well, then I feel like I should just be alone. It's just how I feel. It is a kind of suffering and pain that I don't want to put on someone else and I can avoid doing that. It is something that I am incapable of sharing with another person. I don't even really like to mention these appointments, and sometimes I don't, because truly, I would really just rather deal with it alone. I don't want anyone there, I don't want anyone to do anything. I don't think it's a normal reaction to this situation, but it's the way I am.
Of course I have had moments in the aftermath where it felt like perhaps it had changed my life for the better - because I have a deep appreciation for just how easily your life can be changed or taken from you in a split second. But it doesn't last. The knowing what does and doesn't matter in life doesn't last. The living in the moment doesn't last. And you might think that it would be easier after I what I went through, to enjoy life and to really experience it and live it and love every second of it. But it is actually harder, to my surprise. Before I lived in this state of unawareness that we all live in I suppose to some extent, where we don't think about dying young, of course we don't, because why would we? We assume we have this life ahead of us and that our dreams will come true because why wouldn't we think that? For me, I think it about it everyday, about dying, all day, all the time. I think about what will happen and when and who I will be leaving behind and how sad it makes me. I think about what I will never experience and never have and all the regrets that already overwhelm me. I think about how angry I will be to have wasted the precious little time that I did have, yet I can't stop. It is preventing me from living. Because what's the point anyway? But what if I live? What if I don't die, only to find that I wasted the time and all of the opportunities? Right now what I wish is that I could let go of everything I ever wanted in life so that I could stop living in the fear of never experiencing it. That's what I want.
And I know what you are thinking, you could be hit by a bus tomorrow. What's the difference, you don't live in fear of that. And you are right, I could be and no, I don't live in fear of it. It's just that, well, that isn't the same. And I know you don't understand if you haven't been through it, and I don't expect you to. And don't suggest that I try a support group, because I don't want to and I'm not going to. I have a strong aversion to support groups, well, except AA if you call that a support group - which I don't. Because see I don't want to sit around and talk about it all the time. I don't want to think about it all the time, anymore, ever. I am tired of talking about it. I am tired of thinking about it.
The time in between these appointments is better, it's less in my face, it's easier to ignore, I can sometimes even convince myself that it never happened even though every time I take my shirt off I have a reminder. It's just that ignoring it isn't working as well as I would like it to and I think eventually it may stop working all together.
It is quite possible that this doesn't become better, it doesn't get better, or easier, it only becomes different.
2 comments:
I'm thinking of you, LAS. I don't have anything deep or profound to tell you, only that I'm thinking of you.
You know, our former rabbi once had a very good sermon about how helping people is important, but that it is equally important to let people help you, do for you. Not my natural inclination, let's just say. But I have been trying.
My point being is that by hiding in your shell you are not only depriving yourself of the opportunity to experience a deeply loving relationship, you are also depriving that other person.
I don't know if this helps. I hope it does, even a little.
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