When I was 19 I was extremely shy, terrified of what people thought of me, afraid to be myself, timid, very introverted, self-conscious, insecure, unsure of myself, afraid to express my true thoughts and feelings, afraid to stand up for myself. I was always afraid that if someone knew the real me, they wouldn't want to be friends with me. I could be different things for different people to make up for that. I felt like everyone was looking at me and all I wanted was to go unnoticed. Am I still these things? Probably to some extent yes, I am all of these things even at 34. Though to a lesser degree.
I am trying to just notice the way that I am feeling without necessarily trying to change it quite yet. I am extremely nervous about this meeting with my high school boyfriend. I am feeling afraid to be myself. One of two things happen when you have a boyfriend so young and you stay together. You either grow together, in ways that are compatible, or you grow impossibly apart. I wonder sometimes which way we would have gone. My guess is apart.
Will he accept me the way I am? Can I tell him I don't drink and why? Can I tell him about all the medication I take and what it's for? Can I just be honest? Do I care what he thinks of me? I've always told myself that if a person cares about the reason I don't drink, then they aren't worth knowing anyway. I mean, what's the point in knowing someone and trying to be friends with someone that doesn't accept you for you. How much of me can I put out there and be accepted? And do I care?
It's kind of strange really. I'm 34 and in my head I understand all of these things that I am feeling and that I used to feel. I can overcome the ways I felt and the things I felt about myself when I was younger. I can talk myself out of being shy or afraid. But this situation, surprisingly, has made me feel like I am 19 again. I feel all those things that I felt when I was 19.
1 comment:
Well said. I think if we were to all really admit it, we are walking around still feeling sometimes like a child or a teenager inside and only a small part of us is really the "grown up" that we show to the world. Go out there and try to be yourself though, the mix of the you that you were then and the you that you are now and see what happens. I think you will be suprised that it is all good :-)
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