As good as real and just as bad as the last time

This upcoming mammogram is way too much on my mind.

I can tell because I had a nightmare about it last night - and whenever something is weighing heavily on my mind, I tend to dream about it. It isn't always bad or in the form of a nightmare, but this time it was.

Remember what happened to me in January when they thought I had breast cancer again - right - well, this was just as real and just as scary and just as bad as the last time. Waking up this morning did not feel like a relief - I felt like I did in January when it was real.

In my dream I was at the hospital - they kept telling me that I didn't necessarily have it again but might very soon but they couldn't really predict. I was hysterical. Some how my mother showed up. Now, if you know anything about my childhood and my mother, you know that this is the worst possible person to show up. I was going around the hall outside the room telling the nurses that I was going to kill myself and I needed someone to get my doctor. No one would pay attention to me - they kept telling me she was too busy to talk to me. I kept begging for her and no one would get her and telling them I was going to kill myself and they wouldn't get her for me. They let me leave the hospital in a hospital gown with my shoes. I left the rest of my stuff there.

It was horrible you guys. Horrible.

The thing is folks - that's exactly how I feel - that I would kill myself if it happened again because knowing what I know now, I would rather do that than go through anything like what I went through the last time. I told the psychologist at the cancer center that - that I would kill myself if it happened again. She told me that it now says in my record that I am not to be allowed to leave the hospital in the event it ever happens again.

They let me leave.

I woke up.