I'm trying to be okay until August 1st for my leave. Why? I don't know anymore. I'm trying but it isn't working.
I posted oh, almost two weeks ago about having lost control over my mood fluctuations. Okay maybe I never had total control over it - but in any event, what control I did have, I lost, suddenly. I actually scared myself. Anyway, I started taking bipolar medication going on 5 weeks ago now. I think it's working, but the truth is, I'm still having bad days when my mood is all over the place, out of my control and making me feel crazy. So I can't tell really. I had three days last week where I felt like wow - this is working. I think I feel like what a normal person feels like on a regular basis. Except that I don't have a normal to compare it to - but I thought that I felt something like normal.
That was Monday through Wednesday of last week. But since Thursday - I haven't felt great - up or down, crazy sort of, anxious, freaking out over things. And when I have days like that, days in a row, I think - why am I bothering to take this crap - it isn't working. I might as well stop taking it. I'm trying to hold out because I know that it takes a long time to build up to the right dose on one of the drugs - but my patience is wearing thin. But then again, if i stop taking it, then what happens - I just stay the same? I'd be in the same boat. Is it actually maybe a little bit better now than it was? It only feels like it some days. I've had 4 days in a row that haven't really been good. I can't tell if this is working and I am frustrated.
So I haven't felt like posting and I don't really have anything to post about.
I've needed to go out on my leave since the beginning of June. Actually make that since the beginning of February. Some people have been encouraging me to just go early - g0 now - and I think they are right, it's just that I haven't been able to get myself to out of feelings of guilt and other things. The thing is, there is no good time for me to go - there is always going to be more work, deadlines, projects that only I can do, supposedly, there is always going to be just one more thing. Are they going to let me go? I look at the calendar - the number of days left until August 1 - and think about the projects that need to be moved forward, concluded, shifted to someone else. August 1st would be tough, so why not go now? I know what to do, just go - but why can't I get myself to? It makes me feel like crying.
The truth is, I don't feel good about waiting. I don't feel good about going to work tomorrow.
2 comments:
Only you know what's best for you. And if that means taking your LOA now, so be it. Work will always try and scream louder, you just have to learn to block it out sometimes.
Oh, this does not sound good. I guess the question I have is whether you think if you go now the guilt would mess up your leave? If yes, I think you would need to either work through it before leaving or hand tough until August 1st when you can go and use the leave to its fullest. Because one thing you don't need to do is drag your work with you for the time that is supposed to be all about you.
How has it been at work today?
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